So Everyone

Today I found out for sure that I secured my new place. I'll finally have the room to set up my sewing machine, and I'll have a patch of ground in which to plant giant flowers, and space to set up a writing desk, and huge bay windows, and a little fireplace. Oh, a record player – this place has one! This is a strange transition. I'm about to shed something that needs shedding, and to create happier things to remember later on, and I'll finally be able to sleep in an adult-sized bed. I might even be able to take a class. I don't know whether to try improv, or playwriting, or karate, or to just wait a bit. I'm learning to live amongst people, and I guess I'm starting to figure out where I fit in & maybe even feel all right with myself.

AND Bonnie "Prince" Billy's new album, Lie Down In The Light is out. Today I listened to track three, "So Everyone," at top volume, a number of times. And though Matty thinks I'm being too literal, I believe this song is about how it would feel to receive oral sex in public. But there's definitely a super interesting and less literal read, where the song is about how great it is to be loved by someone, and how being loved without reservation or shame elevates us, affirms us, makes us so great within ourselves and outside of ourselves, too. The song acknowledges the joy of being recognized by everyone for being worthy of love; I don't think I've ever heard a song address this particular feeling before, and that's why I love Will Oldham so much. He explores identity in such a thorough, honest way.

If you're interested, you can download the mp3 here & give it a listen:

http://www.mediafire.com/?g0mwue5wpxl

Where I'm Headed

Woah, woah, woah. Screeeeeeech (crunch).

I've met a number of people since I left my wedding dress on a hanger and ran off to San Francisco. It's been confusing, because I think I know people, and so I create this schema to explain why they do what they do, and then they say or do something that doesn't quite fit the schema, and then they become different versions of the same people. Which stirs the waters, making me uneasy in the short term, and more settled in the long term. But why settled? Because with every misstep there's a correction, and corrections feel better than accidents.

And besides, the closer I get to knowing a person, the more I tend to like them. The funny thing is, the very things that might steer me closer to this place of understanding are the same things people de-emphasize about themselves. And if they de-emphasize the things that don't fit into my schema, I filter them out (which means I'm a poor listener, or a manipulator - dang!).

On top of all that, the events of the past explain only that we've been affected, and the that part is inadequate. And please, don't get me started on the how part. I mean, do we, ourselves, really understand how the events of the past affect us? I've done a lot of work trying to figure that out for myself, and I don't think I'll ever get to the bottom of it. So how can I, or we, ever get to the bottom of anyone else?

It's this process of corrections that eventually leads us to where we're going, and it's taking so long to get there. But I happen to know that where I'm headed is a lovely place (no, I'm not talking about death! I'm talking about right here!). If you are a friend, I'll meet you there.

Wildfires

I had a long & interesting weekend. On Friday I fed some dear friends in Oakland, and I the next day at work I may have won someone over. A peripheral friend came in with a map and showed me the location of the Santa Cruz Mountain wildfire (the house I used to own is still safe). I met someone who might turn out to be a new friend, and I went for a walk with a friend whose company I enjoy very much. I talked on the phone to several friends, and today, today, today. Well, today was a quiet day, punctuated by one good conversation about all of this.



Tomorrow I have an appointment to fix my car, and then after work I'll meet the person who might be my new landlord. I have no idea what the rest of the week holds, but I wish every weekend lasted three days.

I may be moving soon.

I'm Not Dead Yet,

and that is the good news. I'm looking on the bright side, and wow!

But why, why am I so grateful to Jesus? To be honest, I am not grateful in the least. I am angry and bitter and full of pessimism and fear. Because this morning on the way back from the mechanic's, sporting an expensive new back bumper & taillight and so forth, guess what Jesus decided to do?!?!? He decided to get me in another accident, that's what! Yay! Yay! I've been rear-ended again! Hosannah!

Things are really sucking ass. I was too terrified to cross three lanes and turn left into a gas station, so the guy who hit me is gone & we did not get to exchange information. The repairs? No worries, guy-in-the-truck, it's on me! Maybe if you hit me again, which at this point seems pretty likely, I could take you out to Red Lobster or Hooters or wherever you'd like to go! It's okay, I'll drive! Yay! I spent the day at work saying nothing to anyone and pretending that I am a normal human being with a regular life and listening sympathetically to the things that bug other people - inconvenient reschedulings, computer slowness, etc etc.

At the end of the work day I was thinking that I really couldn't stand it any longer. But now I figure I can sink even lower and I'd still make it, which is wonderful, because what next? I know, maybe I'll be struck dead! No, that would be too easy. I'm sure Jesus will shove one or two weensy little screwdrivers into my eye before the month is over, and then it'll start raining lemon juice and I'll be without an umbrella and then I'll get hit by a bus - AND YET, I'LL STILL LIVE ON! Yay!!

One Hour 'Til My Lunch Date

On Friday, my coworker explained to me how if there was an emergency, she'd absolutely save her children and husband before she'd help anyone else. "Isn't that normal?" she asked me. "To favor your husband and family, the people you love the most?" I told her yes, that it's natural selection at work. If there's a meat shortage, I told her that I expect she and her loved ones will cannibalize me. Not in a mean way - I was joking & she laughed. But in principle, the whole thing makes me sad.

I picked up a Saturday night shift at the bookstore. If my life gets any more lonely and sucky I'll see if I can pick up a Sunday shift, too, maybe. I dunno. Books & shelves cheer me up sometimes.

This morning I got up early to watch people run by in the Bay to Breakers marathon. I stood next to a man and his pregnant wife. They kept stepping on my feet & periodically the husband would remind people in the crowd to "be careful, pregnant lady!" I tried very hard to act like I was having fun while drunk guys pretended to fuck inflatable sheep, but I spent most of my time moving out of the way for groups of people and all of their best friends, or couples who were running together, or groups of couples cheering on their coupled friends.

Now I am at home, getting ready for a date. I don't want to go, and I'm in a bad mood.

Four Kinds of Couplets

Dunno why, but tonight I felt like writing couplets (or maybe I mean two-part poems), just for fun. It's been a long week. My mind is so tired.

Sometimes I enjoy being all by myself
My bulletin board, my shoes on their shelf

These days I'm thinking about other people,
Which makes them more difficult to understand.

In some places, springtime announces itself;
oaks in the valleys, snakes in the hills.

At least Martha Stewart served her time.
In heaven she will bake us scones.

*

I thought this Wiki article, which is a sort of neighbor to the couplet, was kind of interesting.

Nighty Night!

Wouldn't It Be Great

if everything could settle down for a year and we could all relax, go to work, come home, make food, read, sleep, get up, listen to music? Wouldn't it be nice to spend the weekends gardening and doing yoga stretches and writing and petting dogs? Sometimes we'd hang out with a friend, and sometimes we'd hang out with another friend, and sometimes we'd spend time alone, maybe drawing or making soup or listening to the radio. Maybe we'd drink coffee late in the afternoon and then spend most of the evening doing things that aren't lucrative. Maybe we'd lose all track of time and get to bed very late in the evening.

Lately, it's been tough to wade through it all. This weekend, in the midst of everything going on around me, I'm going to find the quiet center and stay there. I hope you'll do the same. We could all use a bit of rest, I think.



I am up late. I'm off to read until I can't keep my eyes open any more.

Africa

Yesterday I woke early to a muffled, ingratiating tune that drifted from across the hall, pounding at my door with wet oven mitts. Though I couldn't discern the lyrics, I could tell from the eager beat that the vocalist wore lots of makeup and wanted to help. Soft Christian rock, so precious it's lewd, at a time if day when all decent Christians are still in bed.

I turtled my head under the pillow, deciding that this would block out all sound. It didn't, and I couldn't sleep, because whenever I have a pillow over my face I think suffocation. I was angry and wanted to yell at someone. So I slid out of bed, put something on, and peeked across the hall to my neighbor's place. His apartment door was wide open, revealing nothing but a mattress, a sheet, and a radio. I gave up on the ideas of yelling or sleep, and I made coffee.

Then late yesterday evening, just home from a show, I saw that my neighbor had piled his furniture out on the sidewalk. He and his old dog were standing next to a wire closet organizer. Both of them looked lost. I asked if he was moving, and he said that he was. Where? I said, and he said, Africa.

Which is good enough reason to play the radio loudly at 8:30 am. Big changes are so disconcerting. I just wish my neighbor could get through it with something besides Christian rock. But here's what I'm saying: before you get angry, wait to hear the story behind the story.




This afternoon I have an appointment to look at a room. I may be moving in a month or two. (Well before you-know-when, ginab.) When things start to change, I know I have to pay attention so I don't walk into walls or step out in traffic or fall down holes to earth's center. It's a risky time, and right now I MUST be practical and not make any big decisions.