This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I'm Not Dead Yet,

and that is the good news. I'm looking on the bright side, and wow!

But why, why am I so grateful to Jesus? To be honest, I am not grateful in the least. I am angry and bitter and full of pessimism and fear. Because this morning on the way back from the mechanic's, sporting an expensive new back bumper & taillight and so forth, guess what Jesus decided to do?!?!? He decided to get me in another accident, that's what! Yay! Yay! I've been rear-ended again! Hosannah!

Things are really sucking ass. I was too terrified to cross three lanes and turn left into a gas station, so the guy who hit me is gone & we did not get to exchange information. The repairs? No worries, guy-in-the-truck, it's on me! Maybe if you hit me again, which at this point seems pretty likely, I could take you out to Red Lobster or Hooters or wherever you'd like to go! It's okay, I'll drive! Yay! I spent the day at work saying nothing to anyone and pretending that I am a normal human being with a regular life and listening sympathetically to the things that bug other people - inconvenient reschedulings, computer slowness, etc etc.

At the end of the work day I was thinking that I really couldn't stand it any longer. But now I figure I can sink even lower and I'd still make it, which is wonderful, because what next? I know, maybe I'll be struck dead! No, that would be too easy. I'm sure Jesus will shove one or two weensy little screwdrivers into my eye before the month is over, and then it'll start raining lemon juice and I'll be without an umbrella and then I'll get hit by a bus - AND YET, I'LL STILL LIVE ON! Yay!!

4 Comments:

Blogger matty said...

Has Jesus done any more evil to you?

..If I run into Jesus I hope he will do something really wild and fun to me!

Little Bagel sends her love and hopes to see you one day/evening this long weekend!

10:09 AM

 
Blogger ahvarahn said...

I glad Jesus is not as good as they make him out to be, for that would make him dull and uninteresting. Do you think he could get me some dope or Ritalin? Show me the water to wine trick? Anything?

8:07 PM

 
Blogger matthew said...

You know, I'm pretty sure I saw Jesus and some kid shooting up junk in our parking lot this morning. ...they seemed to enjoy it. I wonder if the Big J now turns water to H?!?!?

9:59 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

Matty:

No, I think he's leaving me alone for the moment - OR IS HE???? Only time will tell.

________________

ahvarahn:

I'm sure Jesus can get you anything you want. But the best dope you'll ever get is the straight dope, and the straight dope can be found in The Good Book, and it will get you HIGH. (Just kidding. Only drugs will get you high.)

_________________

Matthew!:

See above.

9:21 PM

 

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