This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Okay, Tell Me Honestly

Is my hand-to-chin pose WANKY?

C'mon, you can tell me. I'm Richard Ford. The literary figure. I could destroy you. But I won't.

Look, I thought the photographer captured me at a perfect moment, as I was deep in thought, lightly grasping my chin, puzzling over what kind of capers and hijinks my middle-aged realtor character would be up to next. . . maybe he could join the Peace Corps, or take his grandson on a road trip across the country to check out the badminton hall of fame. But if I look wanky doing so, you should let me know. I can photoshop, you know. I have many talents, and imagination is numero uno. In fact, I was just sitting here in my leather recliner listening to classical music, a glass of brandy in one hand and my chin in the other, devising new ways to destroy you. All of you. Except the ones who are kind enough to just say that I look wanky. If I do.

But I don't. Admit it. I could be described as dreamy, sculpted, athletic, tanned, brooding, kittenish, equine, leonine, starfishy, or simply a destroyer of you. Take your pick, bub.

Okay, while you were wasting your time trying to choose the correct adjective, like swift Apollo I ran down the street, polled my neighbors, and ran back. Not a one said that I was in the least wanky. That's four out of four people surveyed. See for yourself:

A Poll Of The Neighbors Living Just Down The Street From Famous Literary Hunk, Richard Ford

WANKY? Absolut (ely) (Vodka) not, my good man! Hawhawhawhawhawhawhaw. I haven't laughed like this in years, Richard, YEARS. My spleen hurts. Would you rub it for me? Thanks.

They may say you're a wanker, but you're not the only one. I hope some day I will join you, and the world will be as one.

Wait a second, I'm confused as to what country we're in. . . oh yeah, this is the United States of America, where we don't use that kind of filthy language.

Our individual lives cannot, generally, be works of art unless the social order is also. Now get away from me.

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Blogger josh williams said...

This is classic portrait photography...I am guessing it started with photography a way for the subject to hold a pose for a long exposure.
Also it may hide slumping, big neck, little neck, little chin, more chins and well I dunno, it is a "Glamour Shot's" type pose. I had dismissed the R Ford photo but I know am not photogenic however I have not had a photograph taken of myself since the 70's that has me striking the pose...So my point is, why is Richard Ford letting this happen?

8:00 PM

Blogger matty said...

wank city!

but, I thought you were to marry this man!?!!?

What gives????

did you and Beck mend the fence? to speak.

i remember the rich girls in my school used to all go to this ONE photographer in town who would have them pose by a pine tree holding fake flowers with one hand under their chins --- and the pictures would be in soft focus with fade out circle so that the border would be this cream color.


8:52 PM

Blogger ing said...


I hear it's great for disguising goiter and an overgrown thyroid.

I think this picture of Richard Ford is from the seventies (not that he looks any older today). He probably thought he looked hot. And he did!



Oh, we will marry. Beck and I had a discussion and though he will remain loyal to me and completely monogamous, on my end I'll have an "open marriage" arrangement. Our talk was very enlightening for both of us, and we believe that it's only fair to me, and it allows Beck to show his true feelings for me without holding me back.

Yes, the girls in my high school REALLY LOVED the soft-focus. And they didn't even need it (yet)!

Matty, I don't want to go to work! One of these days, when I'm caught up, I"m going to take a day off and come get you in Oakland. I want to play hooky with you, steal some road signs, make a prank phone call or two. . . you know, whatever people do when they're playing hooky. (I never missed a day of high school myself, so you'll have to teach me what one does.)

6:45 AM

Blogger ginab said...

I'm thinking, while laughing out loud, GERMS baby GERMS. It's unhealthy to run our hands under our mugs. germ-city.

boy howdy, germ city.

even the smart cun-ling-looking capable (!) a little too cun-ling-confident (you ask me, but you didn't ask me), well even the smart writer doesn't know hands = germs. it's mathematical I know.

me of all peeps.


7:00 AM

Blogger ing said...


Cun-ling seems even germier than hand-to-chin, doesn't it?

5:18 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

I just returned from a short trip andon the plane sat next to a gent who claimed to be a very cunning linguist.

7:59 PM

Blogger ing said...


"Claimed to be," eh? After how many drinks? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I hope you told him about your tangetial book reviews. . .

9:37 PM

Blogger ginab said...

no baby, no.

1:58 PM

Blogger matty said...

OH! I was a master in the art of skipping school from 6th grade all the way thru to my walk across the stage at university!!!!

(it's easy. just don't go! ...well, you either have to forge a solid friendship with the suck-up who works in the attendance office OR learn to forge the hand writing and phone voices of your parental unit. ...however, in the case of work -- you just call and say you're ill. However, as a former HR manager -- it is best to miss two days vs. one -- hardly anyone is ever sick for only one day! word to the wise!)

I think we should go to Colma.

Today, I sat on the beach smoking and lying in the sun while listening to classic Stevie Nicks. Tho, it was the bay beach in Alameda (don't know how to spell) so I'm not sure if it even counted.


3:01 PM

Blogger Mone said...

I figured Richard Ford is a old man? But his huge hand sure looks nice. Coming to think of, I like huge hands...

4:35 AM


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