A New Resolution (To Remain Secret)

Wow, what a strange weekend. I think overall, it was a happy one. But I'm not quite sure. I've been having strange dreams about losing things that are important to me, and I've had other dreams about natural disasters.

I'd rather not reveal too much, but someone from my past resurfaced for a few hours, and seeing him brought up some memories that make me uncomfortable. I don't know how he fits into my world any longer. He's not doing well, and I remain concerned about his mental and physical health. At the same time, I'm quite guarded. I feel so guilty that I can't be the friend I once was.

I drove to Santa Cruz to meet him and to try out my new hiking boots. I asked him to take my picture (I don't know why - was it vanity?) and while he was shooting me, a stranger offered to photograph of the two of us, together, and without thinking first, I turned him down. I could tell from the man's reaction (the way he shrugged, walked away) that my words were clipped, my voice tight and rude. Why is it that I can't allow myself to appear in a photograph with this man from my past? Am I cruel? After just a few hours I needed to flee.



This is one of the photos he shot. Does it reveal anything? If so, I don't see it. Which makes perfect sense. . .

After my visit, I drove to Oakland and stayed the night with a friend. She made me laugh so hard that I cried. I don't know what I'd do without that kind of love. I can be so negative, and lately, I've been pretty mixed up. I think about moving to Oakland for real and for good, or trying my luck in some clean new city (Minneapolis? Denver?), or staying right where I am in this little city. Or maybe I should just fly to Kalamazoo for a few days. Decisions frighten me, but it turns out that when cornered, I choose wisely. The trouble arises in the interim, when I stay the course by telling myself the enchanted stories I want so badly to believe.

My friend's kitten woke us so early, and it turned out my friend had an upset stomach. The morning was a little off, somehow. After breakfast and grocery shopping I fled again, this time to the the Legion of Honor to meet Matty, B, and Alan to check out the Annie Leibovitz exhibit (Matty & B's treat!). I don't like Leibovitz's celebrity photographs — there's something about knowing the subject too well that makes the pictures less interesting (for me, I mean). Images of images. My favorite photo was a small black and white taken through a windshield, an unbelievably detailed little picture of prickly pear cactus lining the sides of a light, sandy road.

For our edification, Matty played us all the new Madonna song, and we tried very hard to like it. Byron and Alan treated us to Dim Sum, and afterwards, Matty ate a cupcake Matty-style, consuming only the frosting and the top part. It's the same way he eats pizza; he peels off the cheese and leaves the crust. These days, Matty's jokes and smiles seem like some kind of baptism, or maybe I mean that the year could be new again. I guess I need to make a new resolution (or two, or three).