Yesterday

I went for an extra-long run. I passed this group of possibly homeless people (they had sleeping rolls & shopping carts). As I jogged by, one asked me something inappropriate & insulting (clue: it had to do with the fact that he's a man and I'm a woman). I ran on for about 50 feet, but the question kept ringing in my ears, and with every step I got angrier and angrier. I mean, I've done this so many times — we've all done this, we women. We get somewhat accustomed to being insulted, and we just take it, and by doing so we allow men to think that it's their right to treat us like we're lesser human beings. But you know, it's not right! So I turned around and ran back.

There were about seven of them, some sitting on this bench, others hanging out on or next to the path. I asked who had spoken to me as I ran by, and a man who was about my age said that he did. I told him that I'd simply come to the park to go for a run, and I reminded him that I hadn't done anything to him and that his comment had been incredibly rude and disrespectful. The woman sitting next to him agreed with me, and he apologized.

My shrink tells me that I should think about other peoples' situations before I jump to conclusions and get too angry. So okay, I understand that when a man is perhaps jobless and feeling disenfranchised, when a man is sitting safely with a group of his peers to back him up, then it probably feels like a win-win to say something disrespectful to a woman running all by herself in the park. Maybe I look like a person who has a job, and I'm sure that because of my appearance and bearing, I'm more likely to get one than someone who's had to spend his nights sleeping in the park & hasn't had access to a shower, say. Perhaps by running by I was subtly projecting this air of superiority, this "look-at-me,-I'm-taking-care-of-myself" kind of thing. Maybe by doing something for myself, I come across as smug.

But you know what? I honestly don't give a fuck about all that. I found this man's behavior cowardly, no matter what the context. I explained to him that he could express sorrow, but that there was no excuse for what he'd said to me. Then I resumed my run.

Last night, the ex-boyfriend showed up at work. He seemed to be on an even keel, and it was nice to see him. I told him that he could send me postcards, but he was NOT to come visit me at my home. He advised me to move back to Washington State because if things continue to go downhill, my family might be able to help me out. But the thought of it makes me feel like I'm dying inside, just a little bit.

And today, I'm doing all that I can to NOT sink into a horrible depression. When I get down, my energy level starts to wane. But I figure that if I push myself every day, it'll start coming more naturally. On Thursday morning I'm to meet someone for a game of tennis, and I want to get some practice in before then, since, to be honest, I don't know how to play. So after I post this, I'm going off to see if I can't find a cheap tennis racket, then I'll go for a run, then I'll apply for some jobs.

After my next physical examination, I've decided to let my health insurance lapse. I'll be caught up with all the basics, and providing everything checks out all right, I think I'll luck it for a while. From now on, my monthly health insurance payments are going for groceries.

Okay, on with my day.