Dilemma

On Friday I woke early. I went running, and then I rode my bike to Matty's place. After talking for a bit, we walked his dog to the Sutro Baths and sat on a wall. It was so warm out we didn't need jackets, and for the first time in a long while I realized that being alone is kind of great. I like forging ahead without having to accommodate anyone else. Even though lately things have been less than stable, I've been feeling all this power in myself, this capability and drive, this rush of vitality.

But tonight I had a date in The Mission, and my date stood me up, and though I always half-expect to be stood up, I wound up feeling awful about the whole thing. Which, I suppose, means that I do want to date, and I do want to keep searching, because loving and being loved makes everything sweeter.

The busses were all running late, so I wound up walking home from my non-date in the dark, past groups of people already dressed in their Halloween costumes. I was thinking about how love can be insular and stifling. I was thinking about the ways it can stunt your growth.

When I got home I talked to my housemates for a bit, but I was feeling disconnected from everyone, so I went to my room and checked my email. There in my inbox I found a message from a great-looking, bearded botanist who also likes bugs (just my type).

God!