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Monday, January 08, 2007

Here, Today, The Present

Wow, the new year didn't start off the way I hoped it would, not by a long shot. Prepared for something transformative and lovely, I was instead beleaguered by sad memories and disappointments. Mercury is in retrograde, or something.

I'll continue to soldier on. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm not nearly the adult I dreamed I would be when I was a child. Are you?

21 Comments:

Blogger matty said...

My intro to 2007 rather sucked, too.

I think it is only a VERY select few who manage to get to the place they dreamt of as children. And, I suspect that those very few are quite burdened by that. Getting what you dream of or for is probably not the best thing to have happen. In fact, most things like that or far better fantasies than reality. Look at all the sad movie stars.

You know, I had dreams/desires -- but, honestly, I used to just hope I would live to see 20. I never thought I would live to see 30.

And, now here I am moving into the first month of what will be my 41st year on the planet (at least this time around) and I'm happy. I'm not "where" in life I'd really like to be. No stability. Not sure of what the future holds or what shoe might drop down next.

...but, it's cool. And as we say in California -- "It's all good!" And it is. Life is good. ...and full of possibilities!

9:30 AM

 
Blogger sage said...

when I was a child, I thought like a child, when I became an adult, I continued my childish ways... I hope the rest of 2007 turns out okay for you--in fact for everyone--may we have peace and a new President and a new economic upturn

1:24 PM

 
Blogger ginab said...

Hmm...I daydreamed my childhood to vapor. I remember seeing a gray field out of an elementary classroom window. The vinyl non-color curtains above the radiator were open wide enough for me to see the gray field. I focused on a gleaming thing far above and beyond my seat, the room, the gray field, the town. Sometimes the gleaming thing, maybe it was a blade or a wing, would fold because I had only a sense there was something else for me. Something more than size 4, a pint of beer, a full ash tray; a wee published wee short; empty nights and rooms. There was London and even France, but here I am and there you are growed just as we are.

6:12 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

I think you and Gina have done just fine!

(and I so love the way Gina expresses a thought)

...and you express 'em pretty damn well, too!!!

I hope that lady was nice to you! And, if she wasn't I hope you gave her the boot!

9:25 PM

 
Blogger Me said...

Hell no, I'm nowhere near what I thought I'd be, but somehow I like it better. Nothing spectacular but I'm feeling pretty grateful to just be alive. I used to plan to be dead by 20. Sad. Doesn't even seem like me anymore. Angry, self destructive little thing.
I didn't expect any big moments or changes this new year. I'm just taking things as they come and doing things that make me happy.
I just read Matty's blog so I must still be riding on the warm fuzziness.
I'm sorry you're feeling melancholy. Perhaps your "New Year" just hasn't hit you yet!
Hugs to you,
m

11:49 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

Wow, me and Meredith never expected to live to see 20! We done good!

...now, will I make it to 50?!?!? Hmmmm.

11:09 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

matty:

True 'nough, we don't usually get to that dream-place. Me: not even close. And I agree, dream-fulfillment can be a letdown. Until you lose it, and realize that it was good while it lasted.

I'm glad you're happy and alive and healthy. I'm all of those things, too, though the happiness part fluctuates a lot.

______________

sage:

Do you view childishness as a productive thing, or as a thing that holds you back?

(Just wondering -- most people idealize the childlike.)

_______________

ginab:

Bigger, older, and more lost than ever. That's how it is for me. The one thing I've learned is that I should ALWAYS have a backup plan and look out for myself.

_________________

matty:

Which lady?

I'm sure ginab and I have done fine. In my case, though, "fine" doesn't feel like nearly enough. I have a long way to go, and I'm already old! It's very worrying.

__________________

me:

That's my whole problem. My expectations were very high. I'd convinced myself that I would transform my life. It didn't happen, and in some ways my new year has already been filled with setbacks and reminders of how unbelievably long it takes for things to change, no matter how positive I feel. But then, I'm very slow to act. For some reason, I find real action extremely daunting.

_________________

matty:

You're going to make it for a good long time, well past 50. I just know it.

11:39 AM

 
Blogger AhvaRahn said...

as a child, i never dreamed much of the future; the 'now' was good enough, and i was a kite that had broken free.

right now, i dream of the child i used to be, or if you ask my friends, i dream like the child i used to be.

cheers, ing
p

2:38 PM

 
Blogger sage said...

there is something hopeful and pure about being childlike, it's a good thing

6:48 PM

 
Blogger ginab said...

and the one thing I have learned has something to do with try as I might.

But I was wondering, what did you dream of becoming? Because I figure my home has only ever been where I have stood and I think that puts me in a camp of paycheck to paycheck sorts of people who are actually (I believe it!) the majority. And in love...I think that was the boat that passed by when I, for one, was looking for my car keys.

I've only ever known you to land well on your feet, by the way. I do like knowing someone who enjoys her work. But change is good too. Can be. I've been hoping that's true. Has been once or twice at least!

I'm thinking of buying a three way lottery ticket meaning: what's your favorite single digit?

-ginab

PS: had to share a swim lane with Godzilla tonight.

7:44 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

avarahn:

A kite that has broken free: beautiful and, to me, scary. The trajectory is so whimsical. And what, exactly, do we know about the Whimful One? Nothing.

_____________

sage:

That's what I thought you meant -- I was just making sure.

_____________

ginab:

Well, what I dreamed of becoming I did not become. It had to do with Morning Glories stenciled onto a pine board and climbing roses and the ocean and a dog and a daughter. It had to do with dry grass in a strong wind.

Yes, I've always landed on my feet, and I've been extremely lucky in life. I hope I'm not being all self-pitying -- I hate that. I just mean that I had these impossible ideals about cherry blossoms and peace on earth and intrinsic kindness.

Oh, and number nine.

p.s.: I'm sorry you had to swim with that anti-hero dinosaur. I hope he didn't destroy anything.

1:04 AM

 
Blogger AhvaRahn said...

Yes, you are correct. As it stands, the only consistent thing I think I know is the sunrise and sunset; the rest is scary, and I know nothing about it (that I know).

I have that falling dream often, but now I try to go with it, fly almost. It helps.

4:17 AM

 
Blogger matty said...

I was enquiring about the lady who was demanding a link or ELSE!

I think "happy" comes in moments. We have to grab those happy moments and put them away so that we can pull them out and think of them when it gets rough.

I don't think you're one for self pity. I think it has been a rough couple of years, but you're coming thru it! ...and with strength, dignity and beauty.

...if you say "Number Nine" slow and with a Bitish accent -- it says "turn me on dead man" if repeated backward. I learned this as a child thanks to The Beatles White Album.

9:13 AM

 
Blogger sage said...

I know this isn't a "political blog" but I'd be careful about saying your going to soldier on, Georgie Boy is looking for a few tens of thousands of folks to soldier on in a Persian desert.

1:12 PM

 
Blogger ginab said...

well, I'm still here (the zilla didn't crack me). There was a husky gal lifeguard who explained, as tho I were five years old again, "he won't hurt you". I guess my peaved look appears more like a pouting child's or actually a child afraid. Hmm. Could be the bathing cap.

I love the dream image you cast. I can hear the dry grass. I figured I would have had a boy. And then I had wanted to adopt a couple of foster kids and through the arrival of a natural one, teach them the beautiful miracle (fluke) of life. I wanted to show them the extraordinary gift and goodness of life, the miracle of them, if that makes sense.

And so, I am magneto.

-ginab

4:06 PM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

I hesitate to quote movies,yet The Deer Hunter had a scene with Robert D and Meryl Streep where she asked the wearied Deniro if he thought life would be like this and he said...no...or something very simple and straight. Great moment in cinema. I go be now...JW

7:22 PM

 
Blogger Spinning Girl said...

not even close.

7:26 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

avarahn:

Have you seen the movie Waking Life? Some people love it and some people hate it. But I've seen it twice, and each time I saw it I had a dream that I was in charge of. It was very interesting, and the experience was important to me. Maybe it would be important to you, too?

__________________

matty:

Ah, yes, that lady. . . Yes, she was nice. But as you know, I don't do very well around bossy types because I'm kind of a compromiser. (You have always been very considerate and respectful when you've given me advice, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the guidance -- I haven't had much of that throughout my life, and while I get by, I'm not much of a navigator).

Matty, my happy moments make me awfully wistful because they're gone. I remember riding my bike, quite a distance, past steel mailboxes and grazing cows behind barbed-wire fences, around potholes and roadkill, to visit a friend who lived out in the country, where it was always quiet, and even when it was hot outside, it was cool in her house. I don't remember this person's name, and I don't remember why I enjoyed her company. All I know is that there was something about the distance, the exertion, and the fact that there was a friend waiting at the end of the journey.

Number Nine: I think I learned this from the book Helter Skelter, which I read when I was in the fifth grade, along with every other book I could read about cult leaders and Satanism and true crime. I'd check out twenty books at once from the public library. It's funny that I didn't become a horror writer. Or a complete wierdo. Which, I guess I'm not.

________________

sage:

Please, don't get me started. I am disheartened, disgusted, and oddly surprised.

________________

ginab:

I believe wholeheartedly that woman's tragedy is greater than man's, because we carry. I'm this close --><-- to being certain that it's too late.

________________

josh:

Great movie! Have you read any Raymond Carver? I'm positive you would love his stuff. I mean it! If you haven't read him yet, please run to the library and check out Will You Please Be Quiet Please. Hurry!

_______________

spinning:

I'm glad I'm not the only one, yet I feel bad about feeling glad, since misery really shouldn't love company. Maybe the next stage in life is relaxing and coming to terms with the kind of people we turned into. It'd be awfully nice to get some satisfaction, to turn into one of those wise people. Wouldn't it?

10:48 PM

 
Blogger AhvaRahn said...

Yes I have seen Waking Life; it was recommended by blogger Moonpie actually. I liked it, both for the style and content. The flying dream I can take control of, I have had for a while. It was interesting to see a 'docu-drama' where others talk about similar abilities. When I am able to overcome the death fall in my dream I feel elated. It is very special.

5:41 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

avarahn:

All this makes me want to try transcendental meditation.

9:10 PM

 
Blogger wallycrawler said...

Adult ? Adult ? Who wants to be an adult ?

8:14 PM

 

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