This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mother's Day, Mofos.

Here's hoping that yours was just lovely, unlike mine, as this year I didn't receive any presents, nor did I get a card or phone call. No, the selfish children I never had did not remember me this year. When I think back on the nine months I didn't carry my children, the vomit I did not puke up every morning, the grueling hours of labor I didn't suffer at their expense, and the man I didn't stay with until they were old enough to move out of the house I did not buy with my hard-earned money —

I didn't wallow in self-pity this Mother's Day, though I had every right to. Instead, I slept in late. And since nobody thought to bring me breakfast in bed, I got up and made my own oatmeal with sliced apricots and coffee, black. Not.

It's nothing new. For the past twenty years of my life I haven't stolen out of bed before everyone else, slipped into my housecoat, and prepared a healthy meal with my loving hands, come rain or shine. Nobody depended on me to do so. It was a small sacrifice that I did not make, prompted by a mother's love, which I lack entirely.

When I undress at night and notice the stretch marks that don't form rivulets of scars on my once-distended breasts and abdomen, I don't rejoice in the absolute miracle of my fertile womb, perhaps because I do not have one.

Yes, it is the thought that counts, and maybe next year the babies I didn't give birth to will remember the woman who didn't bother to have them. A little thanks is all I ask on this one day of the year. Thanks in the form of presents. In truth, I'll just throw away the cards without reading them, should I ever receive them. But not before I've looked to see if there's any cash inside the envelopes.

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Blogger josh williams said...

Yes, always look for cash in the card. I was in a conversation the other day with a lady selling Noni Juice in a networking marketing program, she told me that it cured her arthritis and a friend of hers got pregnant! I as of this date do not have arthritis not do I wish to be "expecting" so at this point of my life noni juice will not be passing these lips. HMD JW

9:42 PM

Blogger ing said...

What is noni juice? Is it breast milk?

I am sorry to hear that you are barren and will never know the joys of motherhood.

10:59 PM

Blogger Mone said...

I dont need any presents now, I just hope that the kids will pay my rent and give my a retairementpaycheck once I'm old, hahaha.

2:53 AM

Blogger matty said...


You make motherhood just sound fantabulous!

To think. Commander Josh is barren.

Who knew?

6:50 AM

Blogger ginab said...

well, I'm sure if you take a kid in one day, give her the couch and a break and a telephone, you'll do it all and more (except nurse).

I was thinking that woman with the baby, the black and white of them, she looked too old (the woman-mother). I about puked the other day, the day before Mother's day, on a trail. I encountered two women who were mother/father to a baby boy, and I didn't want to make little bluest eyes laugh too hard (at my puking in reaction given he knows the action well)for fear he'd pee his pants. But Bea Bea did stare as mom boobs sat on a log and promptly fed her bluest eye.


7:31 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Okay, it's time to tell the world...

Mothers' Day in the UK was in March, so I can't say I sent a card for the US Mothers' Day. Or is it Mother's Day? I don't know.

But, that's not what I was about to announce. This is:

I'm gonna be a Dad. August. So, my wife will be getting a card next year.

There, the story's out.

purplesimon out...

8:33 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

Noni is Morinda citrifolia, commonly known as Great morinda, Indian mulberry, Beach mulberry, or since recently: Noni (from Hawaiian), Nono (in Tahitian), Mengkudu (from Malay), Nonu (in Tongan), and Ach (in Hindi), is a shrub or small tree in the family Rubiaceae. Morinda citrifolia is native to Southeast Asia but has been extensively spread by man throughout India and into the Pacific islands as far as the islands of French Polynesia, of which Tahiti is the most prominent. It can also be found in parts of the West Indies.Something like that, sometimes my memory fails me.

7:14 PM

Blogger matty said...

i think i just expressed milk.

10:01 PM

Anonymous Meredith said...

For now my kids are sweet enough to make me stuff covered with glue and glitter and shells but I feel pretty sure that at the rate I'm going I'll be lucky if my kids don't drop kick me off a cliff or leave me in a bus terminal some day in the not too distant future.
My seven year old told me I came from the Planet of Dumb the other day. I asked him if there were children there. He said there wasn't. "Can't be such a bad place to be from then can it!?" Little smart ass. When will he learn.

10:15 PM

Blogger matty said...

I hope Lovely Meredith's children never drop kick her off a cliff or leave it at a bus terminal.

...I always hate it when those things happen to me.

6:56 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Ooh, forgot to ask you... Have you heard of the band, Beirut?

Oh, it's so the music you love. Check them out at their website. You can download two tracks in the music section. I recommend Postcards from Italy.

Balkan sounds, hip hop beats and a voice that brings tears to my eyes. I can't stop playing the album and the one they had out a while back.


Enjoy. If you don't enjoy, let me know. Also, check the new Modest Mouse, that is also a great record.

8:29 AM

Blogger Ahvarahn said...

Brilliant, that was well funny. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. If only I could erase those nine daft things I did when trying to impress our sons.

12:05 PM

Blogger ginab said...

hey and I was in the know on Purple Si!


4:31 PM

Blogger ing said...


And that is why we have children, no? (I mean, those of us who aren't barren.)



Obviously, there is something missing from Josh's life. A void. Which he fills by publicizing. Books are his "children", and he sends each of them off to "college" and then, later, "graduate school/rehab". It's the result of his literal barrenness. He has found a way to regenerate through publicity.



Oh, no way am I "nursing" anyone! Not even a cute & abandoned baby tiger! No! Ick!

And while woman/mother looks a little aged, shall we say, I think she looks a heck of a lot younger than me. And if I snag me a rich one and demand fertility drugs, I have like ten years left to carry a child. Not that I want to. I'm all for the whole surrogate-mom thing. Especially if they agree to nanny & raise the child.

I hope that puking thing wasn't morning sickness! Bea Bea would have a whole lotta boob to stare at, if that's what it was.

I keep hearing that breast-feeding is this wonderful, perhaps even orgasmic, feeling. I don't believe it. I've heard similar things about acupuncture and certain sexual positions, and both things make me feel like a kite being manipulated from a distance, kind of tethered in and not really being allowed to break free and enjoy the thrill of it.

That probably made no sense.



You already told Gina this news, and now I am in a jealous rage, gnashing my teeth and ripping apart a feather comforter. With my teeth. My gnashing teeth.

But I congratulate you with all my heart!

And it sounds like you will be one of those dads who's going to train your infant to manufacture and distribute Mother's Day cards at an early age, perhaps with some kind of training-within-the-womb technique. I'm all for this. I have another idea — why not put a gift wrapping station in the nursery so that your baby can wrap her or his holiday gifts; you know, Christmas, Channukah, Kwanzaa, what have you. Martha Stewart would do it. And I think she would be a perfect mom. I think of her as MY mom.

That's just a childrearing tip, from me to you.



Ohhhhhhhh, NONI. I had it confused with something else. But now I am quite positive I know what you mean. It has waxy leaves, much like an orange tree, and it produces a coniferous fruit.

And I think you should give that noni juice a try. I hear that it's quite tasty. Let me know what you think.



I'm glad that you're learning to express yourself. I hate how you're always bottling it all up inside. Especially when it comes to milk. I hope you carry a roll of paper towels or a napkin.



I HAVE heard of them -- and I love them! Thanks for reminding me, though. I never did get around to purchasing anything. I just found out about Beirut a few months ago.

I'll listen to the new Modest Mouse. I haven't yet, but I will. Thanks!



Well, thanks!



Yes, and I'm in a jealous rage! My floor is covered with down!

7:40 PM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Ing! I meant to come to tell you, but Ginab sent me a comment and I kind of blurted it out. She knew only a while before.

I can only apologise.

I didn't tell her about Beirut though, that I kept just for you.

Don't be angry. I'll make sure you get the first news next time.

Oh, thanks for the lovely comment.

purplesimon out...

8:37 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Oh, and I chose your blog (and your blog only) to announce the news. You got the Web scoop.

purplesimon out...

8:41 AM

Blogger Ahvarahn said...

i meant to say, sunshine is the new *Ing profile pic. Like the line from the Cure; so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully pretty.

11:02 AM

Anonymous dahliafully said...


funnier than kefir shakes or having the shakes for kefir

that's sort of a berkeley hippy mom thing
do you have them at work?

*mothers i'd like to give greeting cards to

10:32 PM

Blogger jungle jane said...

I feel your pain, Ing. My cats didn't buy me presents or give me cash-laden envelopes either. Swines.

7:04 AM

Blogger ing said...


That's okay. Ginab has a way of knowing. She's a witchay woman. See how high she flies?


Oh, and thanks for the scoop. It's very good publicity for my blog, second only to this image, which, why is everyone searching for that? Whuzzup with Peter Berlin?



You have one lucky ladyfriend. She's quite beautiful, and she looks like a very good person.



All you need is a little kif, and the shakes go away entirely.

In Berkeley, we publish this little thing. And of course "Mushrooms Demystified".

*winos shooting frisbees at the sun



Swines, indeed! I say we send the-children-I'm-not-equipped-to-have to the pound, along with your cats. A San Francisco pound where they'll never be euthanized. Still, a pound. They WILL be adopted. (God, I wish I worked the kinds of hours where I could have a dog!)

Oh, and while I'm at it, I should probably publicize this (also by Ten Speed Press), as I think you'd like it. The author, Burton Silver, has this new thing coming out in the fall about how to engage str8 (<- Matt's term) men in meaningful conversation. Hmmm.

1:27 AM

Blogger matty said...

i'm soooo tired. i need chocolate and diet coke. hurry! i might be in danger!

2:43 PM

Blogger Karyn said...

Holy crap that was funny...

purplesimon, congratulations.
matty - nice timing with your milk coming in - where the hell were you when my kids were cluster feeding?

11:02 AM

Blogger ing said...


Okay, I'm coming!



Hiya, and thanks!

6:13 PM


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