This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Gin.

To most reasonable women and men it's not only a refreshing thirst-quencher, but it is a necessity. The human body contains approximately 45% water and 15% gin. It's nature's most soothing beverage.

But unfortunately, I will never touch another drop. A few martinis on Friday laid me low for all of Saturday and a great deal of Sunday. Why, oh why, didn't my parents coach my puny little liver to tolerate gin? Back when I was three or four, couldn't they have introduced the gin martini, plus a half-dozen green olives, to give me a head start and a chance at a normal existence? Why couldn't I have been raised like the rest of you, who were brought up by red-cheeked rummies?

Having up to that point coddled my liver with a steady flow of beer and wine, I thought it was time to step up to something a little more worldly. I hadn't taken into account that worldliness is earned over time, it doesn't just appear, like magic or a graduate degree in Creative Writing. How could I have been so stupid?

I'll tell you how. And you, who to me seem so street smart, you who were suckled on stuff stronger than Gallo, please don't judge me. I was raised on homemade wine, humble country values, and the painful end of a whip. I was restricted to only one glass of the wine each night with dinner, cherry brandy for when I wouldn't fall asleep, and on the weekends a shot or two of bourbon or scotch. Puritanical to the point of madness.



Believe me, this isn't how I'll raise my children. Withholding the substances that to everyone else in modern society are a daily and nightly dietary staple is nothing less than abuse. The duration of my hangover this weekend is plain evidence of the gin-gaps in my upbringing. I know, I know, I shouldn't go blaming my parents for my problems. But I do. And I hope you understand why I can't share in a martini or three after a plate of gosht vindaloo. A little understanding would have saved me, back when I was a little girl.

My time has passed. I leave it to you to raise your children and your cups in the manner they should be raised. No person should ever have to go through what I've been through. I stand before you, a woman almost thirty years old, give or take, deprived and deeply ashamed.

23 Comments:

Blogger ginab said...

Gin-shmin Ing. Gin-shmin. Ask ENGLAND. But I'm thinking you should be writing instead of going out drinking. It's what I'm thinking.

I think-a-too-much-a, no? yea?

and so me too I enjoyed babbling on the phone to you and I will indeed let you know as soon as I know. First things first, I have some Emails to shoot of in the morning. Ones northwest. Was going to today but guess who wanted to stay off line?

Technically I was offline all "day".

sweet dreams and ignore the gin. Ignore it. What's it to ya? A HEADACHE? Two days in bed? Forget-about-it.

love thyself!

-ginab

10:14 PM

 
Blogger jungle jane said...

Oh Ing, you are so well adapted for one who has been abused in this manner. Its good to talk about it. Shout it from the rooftops. Punch a pillow. Anything - just let it out.

Have you considered starting a society? for other victims of gin abuse? ooopssie i typed that too quickly and at first it came out as gina buse...

11:02 PM

 
Blogger Ahvarahn said...

oh poor you, to have that sneak up on you, but i know that station, only i’m beginning to feel my post inebriation melancholy (a remnant not from gin, but a vague relative) might hang with me for another several days like the worst of barely-invited visitors who took up the offer to stay.

4:31 AM

 
Blogger purplesimon said...

For me, it's Vodka. I'm not a fan of Gin, never have been. Prefer whiskey and whisky (yes, there's a difference). And bourbon.

Still, wine and beer for most days.

Jeez, I sound like a proper alcoholic!

Tequila was the worst hangover for me - two weeks of not being able to drink after alcohol poisoning aged 17. Did I learn?

Of course not. Except to steer clear of clear spirits. Like Tequila. Like Vodka.

Yes, like Gin.

purplesimon out...

4:45 AM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

I fear the spirits, I stick to wine and beer, if you do not count Sunday night. I met up with some friends I have not seen for what seems to be along time, and now not long enough. I was offered free beer, I was happy, then shots, I was dismissive, but I gave in and ended up wandering home alone, drunk with a burrito cradled in my arms. A martini I fear, I have never had and entire martini, I fear them, perhaps this is my only fear or perhaps I have many and am just running my key pad, case closed. The spirits will sneak up and bite you , I fear the spirits and it takes a brave man to admit such cowardice! JW

7:42 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

Yes, yes, I should be writing, I know it, and every time I think about it I feel like eating my own hair. The very idea of it upsets me so much!

And my oh my, you have some real self-restraint there, young lady! Given the circumstances, I wouldn't be able to stay off.

I am never going to touch gin again for the rest of my life.

_____________

Jane:

Well adapted, you think? I feel like such an outsider! And I'm afraid I "let it all out" last weekend, for an entire day. There was nothing else I could do.

A society for children raised in like circumstances would be a really great thing. But is there anyone like me? Do I have compatriots in this?

I suspect you typed "gina buse" because you were drunk. It's okay. I know the feeling. I really do.

____________

avarahn:

That kind of hangover is just as bad! I'm sorry your parents didn't expose you to that relative more frequently when you were young. Tolerance. It takes work. I hope you are recovering nicely.

______________

Oh, Purpy:

Y'know, I've never much cared for hard alc of any variety. I used to like beer much more than I now do. It's red wine for me, a glass after work, on the nights I don't do any yoga.

I've had a bad experience with tequila and one with scotch, and one time it was bloody marys with ginab. But this gin martini thing beats 'em all. Ouch!

_____________

Josh:

As long as you didn't give the burrito a name (Roscoe?) or wrap it in swaddling clothing, I think you're all right.

Sean Connery himself, if I'm not mistaken, has made that selfsame admission, and NO MAN WOULD DARE call him a coward. Right, guys? Would you dare? Because I DARE YOU!!!

8:50 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

Wait. I thought you told me you were 28? Almost 40!??!!?

Well, that must be thanks to the power of wine and beer!

For me? Well, I stick to Diet Coke. Now, that -- that is the true elixir of life! And, I don't mind that it saps calcium from my bones ---- it is calorie free!!!!

6:35 AM

 
Blogger ginab said...

You write well here....

and I see you have plenty of hair on your head.

Beabs needs a BATH. She had wee bugs with teansy wings fluttering around her 'erm hole while we were out in the field lounging and watching frisbee soccer (?) played by a church group.

-Gina

7:04 PM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

Really brother Sean has made the same admission? That is so like him! No I did not name my burrito but a diatician would give it a name, the Grim Reaper. So much fat, so many onions, so very good. But yes, wine and beer. The spirits, they still haunt me, the haunt me like...spirits!

9:46 PM

 
Blogger Ren said...

Gin does to me what mexican water does to you...

7:38 PM

 
Anonymous Meredith said...

Oh sweet Ing, you poor dear. See, you should have skipped the vermouth and stuck to G&Ts. Tonic. It's medicinal, don'tcha know. Mmmm I'm getting a craving. Pass me that shaker.

10:29 PM

 
Blogger Sarah R. said...

Hey! Gin is fun! I swear by my recipe for the yockiest gin drink eva...the Busenbarker:

*A Painfully Emo Moment

*Some Freshly Rotted Grape Fruit Juice.

*Some Dry Gin

*A Dash Of Salt

Hey...I already lost your email because I suck. I'll call you tonight to get it again.

Cheers!
Sarah

9:44 AM

 
Blogger matty said...

Ing! Ing! Ing! ...someone text'd me a very scary picture of a clown with blood on its face which played a creepy song which made my phone keyboard twirp and blink.

i'm a-scared!

6:36 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

matty:

Thank you for pointing out my error. I've revised.

If it's calorie free, it MUST be excellent for you, I agree. That's why I'm glad that you've stopped going to Hot Cookie.

Oh, wait, that was someone else who LOOKS LIKE you. Except not nearly as handsome.

_____________

ginab:

No, I do not write well here & I know it. And yes, I have plenty of hair. I haven't cut it for a few months. My hairdresser says that "we're growing". I want it long!

Those wee little bugs are a good gauge. Thanks for the image!

________________

Josh:

Yummm, burrito. It's nature's most perfect food.

________________

ren:

Makes you pee sitting down, eh?

________________

Meredith:

I like to drink tonic plain, with nothing mixed in it. Tastes like grapefruit. Nice and sour!

_________________

Sarah:

No, gin is not fun. It is the devil. The devil is beyond fun. Please get thee behind me, Sarah, or I am going to have a word with The Lord.

Roofies, on the other hand, are funner than fun.

________________

Matty:

Is Diane Keaton texting you again? Would you tell her to get back to me on that party she invited me to? I'll tell you about it later. PR stuff. Very important.

7:37 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

Okay, ev'abody, it's 7:45, and I'm exhausted! I'm going to bed now. I need to write a new posting and visit you! But tonight I sleep, tomorrow night I yoga. I'll talk to you soon, and I'm sorry I've neglected you!

7:39 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

Oh dear! I was at that party! It was last night!!?!? Diane was most upset. Her gloves did not even match!

6:27 AM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

You ♥ burritos so I do not feel neglected, I feel empowered!

7:02 PM

 
Blogger Ticharu said...

Ha!

6:13 AM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

Quint: I'm not talkin' 'bout pleasure boatin' or day sailin'. I'm talkin' 'bout workin' for a livin'. I'm talkin' 'bout sharkin'! I'm on a Robert Shaw JAWS jag, forgive the interuption.

5:53 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

B has a bad tooth ache.

sucks.

am sending you an email as I chant.

6:58 PM

 
Blogger ginab said...

you do.

8:39 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

Gina's new profile picture is way cool! ...I woke up early. ...and now I'm quite hungry.

9:43 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

Matty:

You were invited?!? I'm so jealous! I thought that I, as a PR person, was at the top of the list of invitees. Dang.

________

Oh, Josh,

I really do love burritos. I had one on Friday night. I'm still living that burrito. Man oh man. Tonight I'm back to casserole. Casserole is the new burrito. Perfect food.

___________

Tich:

The Beltane Papers. Yes! One of my authors has an upcoming review! Are you with the goddess? I am!

____________

Josh and your jaws:

Keep on gnashing. Is there a money-making scheme related to gnashing? If so, please fill me in. I could make a mil. I'll give you a cut.

_____________

Matty:

Ouch.

______________

ginab:

Ok. Gotcha. I thinks what I thinks, but I honor your thinkses.

8:29 PM

 

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