Gin.

To most reasonable women and men it's not only a refreshing thirst-quencher, but it is a necessity. The human body contains approximately 45% water and 15% gin. It's nature's most soothing beverage.

But unfortunately, I will never touch another drop. A few martinis on Friday laid me low for all of Saturday and a great deal of Sunday. Why, oh why, didn't my parents coach my puny little liver to tolerate gin? Back when I was three or four, couldn't they have introduced the gin martini, plus a half-dozen green olives, to give me a head start and a chance at a normal existence? Why couldn't I have been raised like the rest of you, who were brought up by red-cheeked rummies?

Having up to that point coddled my liver with a steady flow of beer and wine, I thought it was time to step up to something a little more worldly. I hadn't taken into account that worldliness is earned over time, it doesn't just appear, like magic or a graduate degree in Creative Writing. How could I have been so stupid?

I'll tell you how. And you, who to me seem so street smart, you who were suckled on stuff stronger than Gallo, please don't judge me. I was raised on homemade wine, humble country values, and the painful end of a whip. I was restricted to only one glass of the wine each night with dinner, cherry brandy for when I wouldn't fall asleep, and on the weekends a shot or two of bourbon or scotch. Puritanical to the point of madness.



Believe me, this isn't how I'll raise my children. Withholding the substances that to everyone else in modern society are a daily and nightly dietary staple is nothing less than abuse. The duration of my hangover this weekend is plain evidence of the gin-gaps in my upbringing. I know, I know, I shouldn't go blaming my parents for my problems. But I do. And I hope you understand why I can't share in a martini or three after a plate of gosht vindaloo. A little understanding would have saved me, back when I was a little girl.

My time has passed. I leave it to you to raise your children and your cups in the manner they should be raised. No person should ever have to go through what I've been through. I stand before you, a woman almost thirty years old, give or take, deprived and deeply ashamed.