This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Monday, June 26, 2006

I Acted Like I Had The Flu, But Really I Was Hung Over As All Getout

Today I was absolutely, positively, disgustingly hung over. Last night I talked to Ginab for several hours, and when I talk to Ginab I like to drink beer, and well. . .

I did, however, show up to work on time, and while parallel parking on a steep hill I sort of rolled into the bumper of the car behind me. I drive a stick, you see, and when trying to engage first gear on the uphill I don't always make it. So anyway, I tapped my bumper into the other car's bumper after having rolled backwards the crucial extra six inches. This happens all the time in San Francisco, the bumper thing. No big deal.
Except the owner of the car parked behind me was like spying on me, and of course she came scuttling over to inspect her own bumper (which bore no evidence whatsoever) and to shriek at me. Apparently she was watching from behind her own car (a Toyota something, not much newer than my own piece of junk), just waiting to see if I'd fuck up. Or maybe I mean she was praying that I'd fuck up. Either way she was lurking back there for a while, because I'd been jockeying my car back and forth for at least five minutes before I made contact with her precious bumper.

Since she was shrieking, I rolled down my window in hopes that she'd get it out of her system sooner. I guess I was thinking that the shrieking combined with the pounding-hangover-thing would sort of balance out my karma and the universe would decide I'd been punished enough. But no. The woman demanded an apology and claimed that when I tapped her own car (which, I remind you, she was standing behind), her own car had bumped into her leg and injured her.

Which, I knew she was exaggerating her ass off. I asked if there was anything I could do for her. This woman said that no, though her leg hurt, she'd be all right in an hour. Again she demanded an apology and said that I should really not bump into someone's bumper when a human being is standing (or, as I would put it, hiding) behind her car. I explained that I didn't see her and that the tapping thing was a huge mistake and I again asked if there was anything I could do for this screaming woman. She repeated herself, still shrieking, and I realized that I was on the verge of something huge! -- puking, I was on the verge of vomiting -- and then, suddenly, this woman went away and I didn't even have to pretend to be sorry.


After that I opened up the store, which looked fantabulous, thanks to me. I'd spent nine hours straight the previous day making the place look spiffy. And since the store was so spiffed-out and I was so very, shall we say, ill with the flu, I decided to check out this new book we'd gotten in, as opposed to busting ass. It's called Post Secret.

But first, look at this:

So here's the story -- Post Secret is an art project. Participants are supposed to create and then send an anonymous post card on which they admit a secret they've never told a soul. The book is full of images of these cards.

It's a relief to read about other peoples' secrets and to know that my own deepest and darkest secrets are really kind of common. I thought I was a freak, but I guess I'm not! I'm mediocre! YAAAAY!!

Here's the story behind the book, should you want to participate by sending a card (I'm thinking about it myself, but I'm secretly reluctant to do it because it's anonymous and if I made this really cool card and got into the book, I'd want everyone to know so I could pretend to be modest about it).

Okay, and one more before I go. . .

See you again real soon, suckas!


Blogger Mone said...

sooo you! are the one who got this painting!!
In SF.
And! you put a catface to it!?! What the eff I'm flying to Oslo for?
Should have saved the money and come to Cali =)

5:34 AM

Blogger ticharu said...

You should have thrown up on the woman...

6:30 AM

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I love Post Secret. It makes me feel human.

That 9-11 one is effed up though. Imagine disappearing like that.

6:31 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

You made me laugh with your antics, although with the hangover you might not have seen the funny side at the time.

Post Secret. Bought that book a while back. A great project. A lot of sadness in it, though. That's the thing about secrets.

Here's my idea for a new Post Secret on blogs: write a comment on a blog telling a secret, such as "Wondering how I can get a link on your sidebar keeps me awake at night."

Anyhoo, must get back to work, blogging doesn't pay the bills.

purplesimon out...

8:00 AM

Blogger ginab said...

Hmm... tanked after three beers. I make you want to drink. I'm still listening.

Did you puke tho, cause I was wondering. What a show that would be. By the way. I thought only cool people live where you live, not looser-minders. Was she wearing elastic-lined-at-the-waist pants? Did she have fat hands, bejewelled?

I've seen her.


PS: who here thinks of themself as good looking? Just curious.

8:58 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

I definitely don't think of myself as good looking!

I have a photo on my blog to prove it! In fact, you can see for yourself in the top right-hand corner of this comment. Ugh, stop it, you're scaring the children.

As for elasticated waists, I wonder if she also had stirrups on her pants in that kinda 80's style Fame/Flashdance fashion that came and, thankfully, went.

purplesimon out...

10:21 AM

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think you should send this title into Post Secret. And then go release that wacko's emergency brake.

11:13 AM

Blogger Karen Little said...

I love PostSecret! I ordered the book for the shop here, ahppened to be in on the day we unpacked it, immediately put it on hold for moi, and ordered two more copies for the shop. Yay!

The other day I was in bumper-to-bumper traffic, happily trying to scrape the last drops of yoghurt out of the tub, when I bumped into the car in front of me. Once again, no scratch, but the psychopathette inside still yelled at me, demanded to see my ID book, driver's licence and get my phone number - all of this while stopped in the middle of an exceptionally busy road in rush hour, with people driving past and screaming 'Get outta the way, bitches!' It was scarring. I feel your pain.

11:38 AM

Blogger sage said...

I didn't know Van Gogh was into cats. The screech is better than the scream.

As for parallel parking, why don't you get some directions in English... but then, if you're going to Mongolia, maybe you're already fluent in Chinese in preparation for the overland journey.

I wonder about Post Secret as a confessional--I could burden some innocent soul with my guilt!

1:42 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

I started a comment but it became more of a long drawn out tedious tale so I have to say I deleted it...what I was trying to write...I am nothing if not merciful.To many words to describe a simple hit and run, me on a bicycle the victim in a car.He was probably not as crazy as your lady but an asshole.
Try a Propel Water by Garorade, (really) lots of B vitimans and tasty.
There I made my sponsor happy so I can move on...You know blogs have become commercial when in the comments people are paid large sums of money to promote certain products. ing your cut will be sent via pay pal.
There wasnt it nice not to have a long drawn out comment to skim over? JW

9:13 PM

Blogger ing said...


Yes, I am the infamous Münch theif. The catface was the original concept -- I found it there, beneath the layers of paint. Now, it is priceless.

Come to San Francisco and I will give you a private showing. To safeguard the exact location you will have to travel blindfolded, though. It'll be worth it.



It's the thought that counts, though.




I know the 911 thing is kind of screwy, but who hasn't dreamed of having that opportunity? And if it arose, maybe it'd be the weensiest bit tempting to take it.



I did think that woman was funny. I mean, once I figured out that she wasn't going to sue me or anything.

Sometimes secrets are sad, yes. We keep the saddest stuff to ourselves. But it's a happy thing that these people finally had an outlet for their secrets.

This whole thing wouldn't be the same in blog comments. Besides, I already tell you people pretty much everything.

And hey, I got a job blogging!!! It only pays $25 an article plus free tix to plays and stuff. No, it doesn't pay the bills, but I get paid!! Woooooo!



You don't make me want to drink so much as you provide me with an excuse (and not a very good one, really). Three beers and I was tanked. But I'd only eaten a cheese sandwich and a bagel that day. So maybe it was a combination of things.

I didn't puke, but yeah, that would have been rad!

Loose Guatemalan-fabric pants (yes, elastic-waisted), fat hands, no jewels. She was probably VERY cool in the eighties.



If someone went ahead and married you, I think it's safe to say that you're cute. But most people (except maybe Mick Jagger?) think they're uncute. Me, I have the feeling my head looks like a potato with a wig on top. I pretty much hate my face. The rest of me is good enough, but my face is always disappointing me.

The stirrup pant will come back -- just wait!



Except that I ruined the whole thing by revealing my "secret" right here. I follow the rules. I am a consummate rule-follower.

Though I like that e-brake idea! Still, it'd be more fun to put ex-lax in her coffee.



I know! I've had people scrape up my crappy old Nissan, and I always take these things with a grain of salt. I mean, if it doesn't really hurt the car, then why freak out? I guess some people are just waiting for an excuse to get righteously indignant. They think the world owes them. It's really creepy. Anyway, I RARELY get angry when I'm driving, and only when someone else is driving absolutely recklessly. We're all in it together.



My parallel parking instructions come from deep within my psyche. I'm in tune with the road, man. I don't need no stinking instructions.

As for innocent souls, you can't burden someone else with your guilt by confessing. . . you can only unburden yourself. That's my take on it, anyway.



You do tend to tell a long and tangential tale, but that is your structure. Don't fight it, and it won't fight you. You know what I'm sayin'?

Now, are you saying that you hit a car with your bicycle and the driver of the car got pissed? People are so weird about their cars!

I will stock up on this Propel®. Thank you for cutting me in on the deal and please feel free to mention Propel® anytime and with great frequency.

12:06 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

The whole is more than the sum of its parts - that's why my wife finds me attractive. Is it the same for everyone else, I wonder?

Your description of yourself made me smile, even if it isn't true. I had a good look at your new photo - I can't see the resemblance between you and a King Edward or Maris Piper.

The stirrup pant thing, though. I feel sick just thinking about it. I see people wearing the most disgusting clothes just outside my office window - generally Spanish tourists or people from Belgium. Well, that's where I think they're from. I could be wrong. I probably am.

I'm rambling.

purplesimon out...

1:58 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That duck thing is too funny. The secret deal does make you feel a lot better eh? Certainly a lot less dark. I can relate to liking the anonymity but wanting the recognition for a posting in the book. Ironic.

4:47 AM

Blogger ginab said...

So, what did you eat today?

I do like your new bedroom look pic. you're blooming!


7:58 AM

Blogger Zen Wizard said...

They should tell you on the sticker of your car, when you buy a stick shift, that along with the improved gas mileage you will get neurotic masochists hiding behind parked cars hoping that you nudge them.

Maybe the car manufacturers should put a little voice that automatically activates when the rear bumper hits something? Of course, it would only be on a stick shift. In an automatic, if you back up and hit somebody, it's because the Gambino Crime Family PAID you to...

That guy that tells you, "Please stay to the right, if you are not walking on the electronic sidewalk" at airports would be good.

Basically, he's telling you you are a dickweed if you just stand on the electronic sidewalk; but he does it in such a nice way you don't get all pissed off, or anything.

In other words, he SOOTHES me. If I could buy a tape of him reading me a bedtime story, I would save so much on Sominex.

9:16 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, just read your Pink entry also. I once bought a pink climbing rope that I got a lot of crap over, but it was sweeet and looked good on rock. I wish I was as well read (remembered what I read actually) to be able to whip in a Shakespere quote about Pink. The only reference I can make is Seuss when the Cat in the hat turns the house pink. I always loved that. Hey, you work at a bookstore? Where, what is a link to it? I am an avid reader. One last ? on a rambling comment-what is the book about faces that needs to be locked?

6:37 PM

Blogger jungle jane said...

ohhhhhhh Ing what a vile woman - sounds like she was warming up for a big fat compensation lawsuit.

I can't help but wish you had vommited Ing. Not on her - but near her. Lessons would have been learnt and the world would be a better place.

I am glad to see that your driving has improved so tremendously

7:54 PM

Blogger matty said...

I wish you had barfed on the bitchy lady! ...but, I am glad you didn't have to get sick.

I've seen that book. I like it but it kind of scares me because I think I see too much of myself in it. Hmmm...

7:54 PM

Blogger ginab said...

Ebay, ebay, ebay. Sell on Ebay. Dresses, elephants, you name it. Sells on Ebay. Even used books by Dybek sell on Ebay, or at least they're posted on Ebay.

Did you know about the book section on Ebay?!?!


11:44 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

As I was sayin'. I was cruising along on my mountain bike after riding some trails a mile or so from my house. I prefer trails to the road because cars are much more powerful than good ole bikey and me.
I was crossing a busy interstection ,slowed I had the green and then as I just started to enter the cross a car pulled out and then stopped , the driver realizing he had jumped the gun on the light. I hit my little bitty bike brakes but still hit his convertable hard enough to go over the bars hit the back of his car and roof bounce back and land on the cross bar and then hit the pavement with me arse. I jumped up fearing traffic, but there was none because the light was still red...The guy jumped out and assuming I was OK because I was on my feet told me to wait a minute and lets pull over in the dry cleaners lot. I was hot as hell and started to walk into the drycleaners while the guy was on his phone to the police, lawyers god know who else. He asked me why I ran the light and we needed a police report. I walked into the drycleaners for a little airco cause it was hotter than the hinges of hell and I needed a moment of cool.The young women working the counter looked puzzled and I realized they had not seen anything, I looked out the window and all I saw was zooming traffic and the guy jabbering away on his cell, I took a drink of water from the cooler, felt creepy cause I had no real reason to be in there so the girls were puzzled and I did not feel like explaining. I realized I was about to get into a he said she said pissing match with this guy and our insurance companys so I split. The guy ran after me yelling dont "run off" and so on. I made a mad sprint for home, my heart rate was high, great work out.So thats most of it I did nothing wrong and avoided this mans desire to blame me so I figure bugger off! I'm going home call whoever you want. That was it, and nice picture by the way...Now I am going for a Propel.

8:09 PM

Blogger Labbie said...

It was because of post secret that I got into blogging.

And how the hell did you segway into post secret from the crazy spying lady and from being hung over? I missed that. Good job.

11:40 AM

Blogger matty said...

Ingrid -- Barbra's boobs!!! And, you now own 2, not 1, but 2 of her CD's thanks to the Music Gods and my magnetic draw to all that is Barbra product!

but, Ing -- I've posted Barbra boobs!

comment please!

oh, and Milford wants you to call him "pronto" so he can get you set up. he seems quite worried and like father -- Milford knows best! Call him, please.

And, Ing -- Barbra Boobies!

5:04 PM

Blogger PDD said...

You are a hotty ing!!!!

12:27 AM

Blogger PDD said...

Ingrid, that's a german name correct? All I have to say is that I have been going on and on and on and on tonight about how fucking gorgeous germans are. My husband is german yes, and yes he is absolutely beautiful, but what got me all outrageous and sex induced about germans is that german goalie. You know for fifa - the soccar that's going on right now. Holy shit! I couldn't stop squirming on the couch while my eyes were planted on that german babe.

I haven't read this post by the way, just to clear up any confusion you may have with my comment.

12:31 AM

Blogger ing said...


Yep, the whole is more. We leap across the gorge & find the other side.

But you know what? The beauty is the entire landscape which includes all the fissures and river valleys and all those mysterious places where there are pockets of cold mist -- remember hide and seek? We hid in the valleys, and there we realized anticipation. Delicious.

I always kind of thought of myself as one of those red potatoes. Well-scrubbed and ruddy.

I'm sorry about the Belgians and Spaniards, but I suppose I have to admit that they have more right to wear the stirrup pant than most of us. And the thong panty, riding up above our hip-huggers? Will we ever learn? Where have all the flowers gone?



Irony died a few years ago. Today, it's sincere recognition and yes, relief.



Today I ate a lavash. And some banana bread.

Blooming? Blown.



I think they already make cars that speak when you get too close. People with real incomes know this. Me, I just heard about it.

I heard that "keep walking" thing at the Denver Airport. It was a bit robotic, which I don't find altogether soothing. It was a little 1984. I guess I wasn't supposed to notice it, which made it creepier (for me). The most soothing thing I can imagine is a scalp massage. Mmm.



I thought climbers were tan and muscular and cool enough to wear all kinds of colors. My climbing shoes are turquiose and pink. I remember the majority of the ropes I used (but never owned) as being purple. Is this a California thing?

Here's a link to one of the bookstores in which I work and carry a huge cup of coffee.



Improved? Really? Well, I haven't hit any scooters lately. . .

Yes, she was warming up. I can't say that vomiting would have helped me much, but it always makes me feel a weensy bit better.



That's exactly what I like about it! I see myself in it, and I realize that even though I thought I was one alone, I am one of many. My desires are common, so I don't have to worry so much any more if other people find out my desires. I'm not weird.



Ebay makes me sad, though.



Oh, honeybabe, you were innocent! Why did you assume that you would get screwed? The innocent will prevail. The law favors the accused, not the accuser, right?



I squeaked out of troubletown and decided to take a break.


Yes, Matty, the "boobies" are very pretty.

Please tell me you don't have a framed poster of them, one that matches a certain bunch of identically vomit-colored lamps?

I contacted the Millsta'.

Really, the boobies are pretty. Really.



Thanks!!!!! No, I'm not one of those good lookin' Germans. My grandma was Danish.

I'll look up this soccer player! I must know!

11:44 PM

Blogger ing said...

Okay, pdd, I'm back, and I can't figure out this soccer thang. Perhaps I am lazy. Could you shoot us an image link? Now that you've teased us?

11:48 PM

Blogger josh williams said...


3:38 PM

Blogger # said...


8:22 PM

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It's very beautiful pictures...

visit mt blog..please

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1:51 PM


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