This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Night I Lost My Goldfrapp Cherry



Preface


Life, my friends, is a series of choices, fortunate and unfortunate. In hopes of making the fortunate kind, we forge our paths with too much caution. This, more than any other characteristic, defines us as human, as opposed to animal.

If we could embrace the evidence that now -- in an era so fucking modern we call it post-post modern -- we are still the earth's creatures, furry animals out in the weather; if we could embrace this, sistren and brethren, we would be Goldfrapp.

Now We Begin


Monday night Matty and I saw his favorite band, Goldfrapp, at the Fillmore Auditorium. Alison Goldfrapp sang on a distant stage -- but never too distant! -- beneath the eight blue chandeliers that hang from
the ceiling. These chandeliers were made all the more sparkling that night by how magnificently the walls, which are draped in a two-story swath of wine-red velvet, set them off to full lustre.

After waiting in line for one hour, Matty and I had found a couple of seats on the second floor balcony, across from the booze. In terms of distance from the stage, our view was comparable to that from a third-story window of an old Victorian house, which, if we extend the image, the stage would have been on the centerline of the street fronting this house, where girls in small towns play jumprope.

We were right next to the cool-people entrance through which roadies and suspect-looking fellows in suits ran in and out, flashing their passes. Guarding this entrance was a bearded old hippy in a leather hat. He read a hardcover, sans jacket. I asked for the title. Sin Killer, by Larry McMurtry*.

While we waited for the show to start, Matty and I made two bets, based on the following questions:

Let

M

= Matty,

I

= Ing, and

A

= the true and correct answer

1. Alison Goldfrapp is due to begin at 8:00 pm. How many minutes will we have to wait before she'll strut her fine self onto the stage?

M

: 60

I

: 30


A

: 75

SCORE

: I 0 M 1


(An M1)


2. Who do we have to blow in order to get past the graybeard reading the Western?

M

: [Identified three (3) hirsute and stocky roadies, a man in a jumpsuit adjusting the drum set, another man with a Petzl® flashlight strapped to his head (also wearing jumpsuit), several slobby-looking dudes wearing leather jackets, and the graybeard hippy.]


I

: [Said, Eeeew!]


A

: See M, ibid.


SCORE

: I 0 M 1

The loser, should it be moi, was to run past the ticket counter and swipe the Goldfrapp poster. If, on the other hand, I should be the winner, then Matty --who was wearing silver sneakers -- would do the same with the Beck poster in the hallway.

FINAL SCORE

: I 0 M 2




And at 9:15 pm, the show began.

I came close to being Goldfrapp'd when Alison Golfrapp, looking uncannily like a Xanadu-era Olivia Newton John, interrupted her skilled and poppy vocals to interject with these incredible Nina Hagen blasts (which she resorts to sparingly). But it wasn't until her dancers came out, wearing their tight bikinis and animal masks, that I was finally Goldfrapp'd.

That night, dear readers, I was Golfrapp'd for the first time. And then I was Goldfrapp's again, and again, and again. Indeed, in an hour and a half I was Goldfrapp'd six times in succession, the peak of it coming during the second-to-last Goldfrapping when Ms. G. sang I Want To Ride on a White Horse. Behind her the half-naked dancers pranced in high-heeled pumps. Their costumes featured large, glitter-mirrored horses' heads and long white horse tails. The details of how these tails were used during the dance are too intimate to share in polite company, but if you've seen Goldfrapp yourself, you know e-zackly what I'm saying.



Adieu


At the end of the evening I realized that after such a Goldfrapping, I wouldn't be able to walk for days. Despite this, Matty promptly reminded me that if I truly loved him I'd now have to now sprint in order to steal that Goldfrapp poster, and besides, he'd won it "fair and square" in what he called "our bet". Little did he know that at the end of the show the poster would be handed out to everyone, for free. On the way out I snagged a couple, and later, on the road to Matty's house where I would drop him off for a good night's sleep, I did not, for once, get incredibly lost in this crazy west-coasty labyrinth of one-way streets. Was it the higher power of Goldfrapp, guiding us safely home? Yes, I do believe that it was.

____________________


*Larry McMurty! The guy who in his Oscar Acceptance Speech thanked the booksellers of this country for doing such a good job!

29 Comments:

Blogger purplesimon said...

Glad you had a good time at the concert. Have met Alison a couple of times, she is my age and she went to the same school as my cousins. England is small, but it doesn't mean I know everyone.

However: saw Ewan McGregor yesterday, outside my office in central Soho, London. For once, I have seen an A-List celebrity that isn't short.

Oh, a brief is coming my way. Gotta cut the comment short.

purplesimon out...

1:52 AM

 
Blogger ginab said...

Horses wearing bikinis...

i'm thinkin', i'm thinkin', just not right now.

7:39 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

Purps:

What the heck kind of school did you attend? I have a friend who went to some fancy private high school with Liz Phair. Was it one of those?

San Francisco is small, too. . . there have been several sightings of our sexy mayor,Gavin Newsom, and Peter Berlin made an appearance in the Castro. Hey, do you know Jungle Jane? And Prince Harry?

I have to run, too. A martini is headed my way. . .

______________

ginab:

You would've loved it, but even more, I think you would've loved the show I saw last night, Blöödhag. I'll blog about it later.

7:55 AM

 
Blogger Me said...

Sigh. I feel strangely Peeping Tom like. Matty sent me cds and a few days ago, one of which was Goldfrapp. I listened to it loud, as instructed and I think it's official. I've been Goldfrapped... but not nearly as well as you. It's sort of like the difference between a clitoral and a vaginal orgasm... good and REALLY GOooooooooood.

9:51 AM

 
Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

Did Matty throw his undies at Alison?

6:56 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

me:

Mmm-hmm. That's the analogy.

_________

pix:

You mean his black jock-strap-thong thingie? If he did, I clasped my hands tightly over my eyes and did not see. . .

10:53 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

p.s.

Tomorrow night is a Friday, and I am going salsa dancing! Woo!

11:46 PM

 
Blogger jungle jane said...

Ing I have it on very good authority that you were looking smoking hot at the Goldfrapp gig. I am glad you had such a good time. I am absolutely certain that Alison took some style tips home from you.

12:19 AM

 
Blogger Karen Little said...

AAAAAH! You saw Goldfrapp live! I'm not jealous, not at all...

Sounds like it was great, and thank you for sharing it with us.

1:43 AM

 
Blogger purplesimon said...

Ing: Jungle Jane, Prince Harry and I all go out to party once in a while. Did I mention that the Queen does a mean Lambada?

I didn't go to a good school, but I did cook at one. I have served Ronnie Wood's daughter, Leah, as well as several movie stars. I once saw a famous rock star knock out a kid at 2am for hitting his son. The stories I could tell. I just don't want to be sued.

I'd rather have a Martini than an advertising brief. Although Martinis don't pay the bills, do they? Do they?

purplesimon out...

1:49 AM

 
Blogger Labbie said...

So that's her first name? Alison? Somehow I thought it would be more... wild.

Salsa dancing? You MUST tell us all about that.

2:18 AM

 
Blogger ing said...

Jane:

Ha, ha! If I looke hot, it was due to the tight, tight Goldfrapp t-shirt I bought at the concert and my smoking hot excort in his silvery shoes.

_____________

Karen:

You're underwater!

_____________

Purps:

I order my martinis. I order them around. They pay my bills and cook for me.

Really, though, I hadn't had a martini in years, not until last night, when my roommate measured one out for me. My favorite part is absolutely the olives.

If you can cook, Si, you have one lucky, lucky bride.

________________

Labbie:

Oh, I will tell you everything about salsa dancing, my friend of the hot accent. I've been going about once a week, and I think I'm getting the hang of it. Though I still can't do it as well in my heels as I can in my Chuck Taylors. You know what I'm learning? I dance 100% better when I have a good partner. As long as the guy can lead, I'm great!

But y'know, I really should stay home tonight and clean my room -- my mother is coming up for a visit! But staying home is so boring!

7:52 AM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

I have a friend who attended High School with Axel Rose in the "Region" of Northern Indiana.I on the other hand attended NKU when George Clooney made his cameo appearance in collegiate life.
Is Goldfrapp the band that does all the old Skynrd covers?

11:40 AM

 
Blogger Labbie said...

Nah, don't stay home. Go out and Salsa!!!

*makes that rolling R sound*

Arrrrrriba!

12:48 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

Oh!!!! I am so behind on my blogging this week! It is horrible! Anyway, as I read this I am sitting at the fabu gay dental front desk and Goldfrapp's Number 1 is blasting thru the office! Awesome!

We had a fantastic time, but then I always have a great time with the lovely and sexy Ing!

By the way, Ing looked incredible! She was wearing her hot designer French jeans with really cool flare legs, but tight and a wicked cool tight pink Goldfrapp which showed off her great arms! She was getting much eye action from the straight boys there. ...and, yeah, there were a few stright guys there!

Everyone should be Goldfrapp'd!!!

I am most jealous of Purplesimon! I wanna meet Allison!!!

And, I wish I could have been at the other show Ing caught this week!

I love my Goldfrapp poster!!!!

ps. I didn't toss my jock strap to Ms. Goldfrapp because that would have been somewhat rude. She's a lady, after all. ...and, besides. I wasn't wearing underwear. I had nothing to toss down.

12:51 PM

 
Blogger jungle jane said...

Ing, Purplesimon and I regularly dance on tables. He's pretty hardcore you know - i can barely keep up. We leave Pixie at home because they don't allow 6 year old pixies into most nightclubs.

Wow i am so impressed that Matty has silver shoes - they would look fantastic with that pair of gold spandex pants i know he's about to buy.

6:09 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

josh:

Freebird, woo!

Um, I'm not aware of these Skynyrd covers that Alison Goldfrapp did, but I imagine you're talking about some rare remixes available only in the UK and maybe in the mean streets of Central Indiana?

Nobody -- nobody! -- famous went to my high school. But Maryann from Gilligan's Island, Bruce Lee, and Kyle McLaughlin were all alumni of the university I attended for my undergrad. What do you think of that, sucka?! Hmmmmmmm?

Yeah, I thought so.

______________

Labster:

Oh, I would, I would, but I just got back from spin class at the Y, and the teacher was yellin' his head off about tightening the tension strap on the front wheel and pedaling faster and "sucking it up" -- which, since I'm kind of an exercise addict, I did, and I don't think my thighs can take salsa dancing tonight.

But damn, I wanted to roll my rrrrrrrs and to wear my heels! I'll do it again, Labster, I will! And you'll get the scoop, right here!

______________

Matty, baby, guess what? The Conspiracy of Beards is going to be playing at Cafe Du Nord at 9pm, Monday night! This is an all-male a capella chorus that covers only Leonard Cohen songs! Wow! Wow! D'you think I should bring my parents? And you, my friend, should go -- though I imagine you don't want to be up so late on a work night. . . you're sooo dedicated to your cool gay job!

_________________

Janey:

Noo! Stop him from buying the gold pants! They will not look right with his sneaks! We do not want Matty to get himself all decked out like a Christmas tree!

But let's buy him some undies, post haste, yeah? He's getting too many sketchy compliments these days. Which, I'd like to get some of those myself. But I can't hold a candle to Matty & the freedom with which he inhabits his pants.

9:04 PM

 
Blogger Labbie said...

Sunburned, huh? Maybe you should have had some Mexican in you... We don't burn, much. Then again, it's not too late to have some Mexican in you *wink, wink*. I'm evil.

Have a good weekend, Ing!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrriba! Yay!

6:53 PM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

My uncles wifes first cousin is married to the French comic Jerry Lewis. HA, TRUMP CARD!I was lying in wait for my moment to pounce.
Now that this fact is out I bet bloggers start treating me with all sorts of respect, I can hardly wait!

9:43 AM

 
Blogger matty said...

I don't think Goldfrapp ever does classic rock covers, but I know Ms. Goldfrapp is quite fond of Olivia Newton John and does from time to time cover one of her tunes. She recorded a most interesting version of Physical.

I was going to wear my pretty gold spandex pants with silver shoes to meet your folks tonight. No? eh? Ok.

I would so love to see that band of merry men singing about famous blue raincoats and such but think I shall need some rest to gear up for the rest of the week. Still smarting from that blow to the nose!

Hey, I will throw one into the brushes with fame mix! Janis Joplin is from the same county as I and we both attended the same university. ...she hated it. Obviously, she hated it a lot more than I. Oh, and I met Wim Wenders and Harry Dean Stanton when I was 13/14 but didn't care cuz (at the time) I just wanted to meet Nastasia Kinski. Sad, but true.

1:50 PM

 
Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Man I feel out of it! I need to go check out Goldfrapp before I die from lack of exposure. ...wait, I already am dead.

7:37 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

labster:

Never too late, you say? Because some of the guys at the salsa place are Mexican-American. . . I'm afraid, though, that they can't do much for my sunburn problem.

____________

Josh:

Okay, aside from the fact that my future husband is Beck, I have a claim to fame that beats yours -- my aunt's husband's first cousin is Heather Locklear, and they (aunt & husband) were invited to her wedding to Motley Crüe's Tommy Lee. Which, they did not attend. I know not why.

Yeah? Uh-huh, I thought so, man.

_______________

Matty:

I think my parents really liked your spandex pants a great deal. And as you know, my mother has a critical eye.

She did say some reassuring things to me, though -- for instance, she let me know that she heard about a woman who was 41 and who just got married! Oh, and she let me know that she highly recommends being in a long-term monogamnous relationship. But unfortunately -- and this, she said rather plainly -- she believes that I am an irresponsible airhead.

Thanks mom!

I'm sooo glad you were there with me, Mattyfriend! Only four more days and I'm clear! Yay! I should never have punched you in the nose, I mean it! I hope your nosebleed heals up.

Yay! My parents are old now and get tired at around 8:30 pm!

__________

Le Chit:

In that case, you can overexpose and you can do it without any corporeal risk -- you are so lucky to be you, you dead chemist, you!

10:36 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

ah, parents.

as I promised -- I will help you dispose of the bodies. Of course, this does mean that you will have to come thru on stealing those way cool boots on Folsom Street!

kisses, matty

ps. hang in there!!!!

11:32 PM

 
Blogger ing said...

Matty:

Boots: done. I found a nice dumpster over in the Tenderloin where I think my parents will be verrrry happy.

Hey, you don't think the cops and so forth are going to go poking around in my blog, do you?

8:09 AM

 
Blogger ginab said...

just a quick peep: I'm hungry man-o-man. I could eat a dwarf and that's a lot for me. And I mean no harm.

Too busy to say much more! Still off line at home and you know what? I like it like that. yep.

I wish i knew anything about parents except I think they dole out cash. I've seen that happen before. Good luck with cutie-patooty.

-g+bb

PS: writing a lot of damn poems these days. who knew ;-)

9:08 AM

 
Blogger josh williams said...

Hmmm. I'm a decendent of William White of the Mayflower! Here is my plan I'm going to start pimpin' and then get caught and then write a book called the Mayflower Pimp! Just like Sidney Biddle Barrows did with Mayflower Madame! Now I know Pimpin' aint easy, in fact what I was hoping was to gather a bunch of girls that said I was a pimp and keep my secret and we could all be riding the wave of fame and fortune! Think about it ...

3:23 PM

 
Blogger wallycrawler said...

I love "Goldfrapp" (shhh don't tell any of my buds) & I like Larry McMurtry he wrote one of my favorite novels & movies "Lonesome Dove" .

His novels characters "Gus" McCrae , Woodrow Call and Lorena "Darling" are larger than life . I've been meaning to pick-up his other novels with the same characters .

"Goldfrapp" eh ? I didn't think you would like pop/dance . Hey great ya like to dance . Me too .

4:03 PM

 
Blogger matty said...

Ing -- I think I found a better place. ...there is a dumpster behind Blow Buddies --- and NO ONE wants to go near it. I think that might be the place.

Nah, don't worry 'bout the cops. We can out smart 'em!

Hope they are buying you some high fashion. You deserve to get something out of it! And -- a NEW CAR!!!

8:11 PM

 
Blogger Bubbly Theater said...

Goldfrapp is just "awwwww" in live. Best ever. I screamed so hard at her concert that I lost my voice. Ok. I really wrote it. Shit.

8:51 AM

 

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