This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Online Dating: Angus!

I'm fairly new to the world of dating, but at Matty's suggestion I've decided to try the online version. It's fun to have a date sometimes, it can be good for the self-esteem, and I've met a couple of nice guys along the way. But it's not all roses, this dating thing. I'm 38 years old, and though I think I still look pretty great, I do have to face the fact that there aren't many single men in my age bracket. Still, though, I'd rather be gently turned down than forever dateless.

Well, one day, sent me an email saying that I had similar interests to this guy, Angus, a 33-year-old landscaper who was looking to date someone between the ages of 25 and 40. I checked out his profile. While I didn't agree that we were a match (Angus's reading tastes were polar opposite to mine, and he wasn't very interested in reading in the first place), I was pretty impressed by the pictures Angus had posted of a garden he'd redone.

I sent Angus a short email telling him that I liked his garden and that I'd transformed a vacant lot into an edible flower garden some years ago. Honest, I did it because I like to encourage people, and I thought Angus deserved a compliment for the work he'd done.

The next day Angus emailed me back. This is what he said:


Thanks for your email. I checked out your profile and you sound like an interesting, complicated, unique, intelligent woman. You do, however, have a lot of competition from the younger ladies who currently are still available to me at my age. As a result, I would be a distracted and innattentive partner. You would not be happy with that. I must conclude that I am not a good match for you at this time therefore I wish you all the best in your pursuit for happiness and success.



Suddenly, I felt OLD. And predatory. A predatory old crone inappropriately chasing after men half my age! Or rather, an old woman who, because she was perusing a dating site at her age, stank of desperation! Which, I don't think that's me at all! But lordy!

Feeling sort of dumb about the whole thing, I forwarded Angus's email to Matty, who made up a reply for me (one that I did not send but that made me laugh). Here's what Matty would have me say to Angus:

Oh, yeah! I'm sorry! I heard several teenage girls talking about how hot that guy from Match is and how they wanted to do him! I now realize that they were talking about you. And, just today I ran into about 30 mid-twenty-something females
who were trying to find a way to contact you so that they might have a shot at bearing your children. How does one cope with being so popular with the girls? I doubt that there is enough of you to go around! As a professional model I was on the phone with Tyra just the other night and we were talking about how damn hot you are. And, to think that I turned down a date with
George Clooney in hopes of meeting you! D'oh! Well, I have to fly to LA this weekend anyway. Maybe he is still available. Tho, I heard he lost his last girl to you. Best wishes and don't forget to wear a condom! We all know you've been getting around. Can't be too careful, Angus!



Anyway, if anyone out there is dating, just take it all with a grain of salt, yeah? Don't be discouraged! It's very difficult to meet someone you truly like, and in order to find that person you'll probably have to go on a lot of dates. So go! You'll make some friends along the way, you'll gain some confidence, and you'll know that you chose to give it a shot instead of waiting for someone to earth you up (which, that doesn't happen). If you choose to ask others out, you're cool and brave.


Blogger Movin'on said...

Dating, whether online or in person gets harder as you get older. For me, it's because I'm attracted to young, handsome, fit men, mostly (five) years my junior. What to do? Stay single and enjoy friends - find a fuck buddy for sex - and wait until a mature minded, sexy young guy sees me and wants me and take it from there.
Just be yourself and good luck.

12:18 AM

Blogger ing said...

I dunno, movin' -- I have the same dilemma, though I've seen plenty of handsome and fit older men lately, too. One of the benefits of living in California, maybe.

I love feeling sexually attractive. A good friend of mine showed me today that wearing the right pants (for instance) can do that. And my friendships are so fulfilling! Still, it's great to get good and laid every so often. It'd be even better to get good and laid by someone I adored.

12:28 AM

Blogger wallycrawler said...

You wont stay single long . Your tooo hot !

But watch out for the posers , pretending to be men .

Women might be the answer ? And if ya ever go that route tell us all about , please ?!?

6:49 AM

Blogger matty said...

You turn heads at every corner. I am just going to start and point it out to you because you don't seem to notice!

...and those pants!!! Ohh La La!

Angus lost out, but I guess he has that garden to keep him company.

You rock. Own it, babe!

Dating is just hard ...and all the couples populating this cafe are making me sick! LOL! But, as you write --- we just have to keep taking the chance.

Like Debbie sang, "keep moving!" mantra.

3:05 PM

Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Wait a sec! Your avatar makes you look waaaaaaaay younger than 38! And besides, 38 ain't old, damn it! And this is coming from someone younger than you *winks*

Oh and, what's the deal with him advertising to date women up to the age of 40 when he tells a 38-year-old that he's only interested in women younger than that?!?!?!

By the way, Matty's reply was hilarious! I say you should send that to him after all!

4:36 PM

Blogger sage said...

I can't believe he signed his letter "kindly." Wow, he's a jerk, but at one time or another, aren't we all.

Slate online magazine has a column about a contest in which you could win a date with your favorite columist (undoubtedly, the NYT have actually run a contest when the winner gets to travel with Nicholas Kristof). It probably won't give you any leads, but it's pretty funny and a good laugh should be better than a bad date.


5:33 PM

Blogger lryicsgrl said...

I've more to say, but I am being kicked off by my teenager.
I bet Angus didn't even write one word of that email. Sounds like some preset response. No way is this guy capable of stringing two words together.

5:51 PM

Blogger thomas said...

Obviously Angus is a dingus. He wouldn’t know quality and class if it struck him cross the temple with a 2 x 4. You are hot, but more than that, you are a fascinating person. Since I’ve been reading your blog, and hearing second hand from Matt, I can tell you have a lot to offer. I’ve had mixed results from the online dating thing myself. Thank goodness you’re wise enough not to get worked up by it.

7:59 PM

Blogger Me said...

Angus made me cringe. Pompous little git.
I've only seen you in those pics Matt posted on his blog but you look fabulous. 38 is just a number and means nothing in the grand scheme of things. But I know where you're coming from. Try being 35, single, with 2 kids AND live in the middle of nowhere with slobbering loggers. I can get laid sure, but would I WANT to is the question!
It seems to me that the perfect date or even Love comes precisely when you're least looking for it. You have the right attitude, be happy in yourself and with your friends and have fun with the dating thing.

11:34 PM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Dating, I never really did much with that except put a 'toe in the water'. Luckily, I met my beautiful wife via a friend. For me it's always happened that way.

Ing, I think you're a beauty. Age is immaterial if the attraction is there. I mean, look at all the people in the world that 'you' wouldn't want to date. There's someone out there for them, just as there is someone out there for you.

A lot of men are scared of the independent, intelligent woman (more fool them), so give it time!

Also, Angus looks like a dull person (what were those glasses doing for him?) and he'll wake up one morning, surrounded by empty bottles of whiskey and damp tissues and wonder how he managed to pass up a chance with you.

purplesimon out...

1:30 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Oh, can you please send the reply that Matty suggests. Please! I want to see how Angus copes with that one!

purplesimon out...

1:30 AM

Blogger Jimbo Big Toe said...

Hmm… Angus has apparently lost the g in his name. I’ve never experienced the joys of online dating but it would be interesting if others on the site you used could see his response. On the other hand at least he was upfront with his assholery. That way you weren’t tricked into actually having to experience it in person. My only advice is stay away from guys who are named after a cattle breed i.e. Angus, Kobe, Wagyu.

5:50 AM

Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

What an enormous asshole. It is, in fact, stunning to behold such an asshole. This is truly a benchmark asshole, a flaming asshole.

It is a new kind of asshole.

Perhaps the appropriate response is a simple, "moo."

5:58 AM

Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Anus Moo.
That's a good name for him.

7:33 AM

Blogger ginab said...

Nope, nada, hiss, burn, ouch, fart, stop-it, no, yes, please yes, come on, yeah baby, mmmm, MMMMMmmmm, again, and again, like this.

11:41 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

Please forgive my slow response, I had to hunt and peck with my one least broken finger. I read Anus's(big toe is right the g is silent) response and just started punching walls and then I realized "My hands my beautiful hands"!
I would give you advice but I don't think you need it, so I will just leave you with this. A wise man once said "you good people". Kind Regards JW (not kindly , gaw!)

8:28 PM

Blogger ing said...


Thanks! Are the posers you mention simply women in disguise? And if so, by your logic, I shouldn't watch out for them at all, right? If I am ever deceived by one of these "posers" you mentioned, you can be sure I'll blog about it.



I wonder why I was so impressed by that garden, because look at it! It's mostly just dirt and rocks! I imagine it must have been hard work, but where are the flowers and trees?


Le chit:

I'd send the reply, but I honestly don't think this guy had any idea that what he was saying was kind of awful. I think he believed he was being ultra-polite. Which sort of goes to show.



Oh, I would love to go on a date with a great columnist! Guys who can spell, punctuate, transition, and revise are sexy!



No, I think he composed it carefully and this was his very best prose. Ah, well. . . it was doomed from the start, my love for Angus.



Wow, thanks! Online might not be the easiest route -- guys your friends know and recommend are usually the most promising. But you never know.

The thing I love about online dating -- it's easy not to get worked up. It's a way of trying without disappointing whoever introduced you.



Slobbering loggers? Ugh! Sounds like where I grew up -- it wasn't a safe place to be a single mom, so be careful! Why don't you move to San Francisco? There are no loggers here, and so far I haven't seen any slobber.



I can't send it! I honestly think old Angus believes that he let me down easy before I glommed clammily onto him, smelling of embalming fluid and lavendar. The reply would sound to him like sour prunes. It'd just reinforce what he already thinks. . . But it's funny, isn't it?



Oh, I don't think I would have pursued a date with Angus in the first place. I'm horrendously snobby about a prospective date's reading tastes, I guess because I work in a bookstore and want to have, at the very least, reading (or perhaps music) in common.

But does that mean I can't date this cute guy I met yesterday? His name is Bessie. . .



Ha ha, a flaming asshole! It sounds like a very strong drink, or something that happens as a result of wearing tight bicycle shorts in a hot and humid climate for days on end.


le chit:

His mother may have considered it while her child was in utero, who knows? Or here's the folk-explanation: perhaps while she was in her first trimester, she was frightened by a heifer.



Wow, you changed your tune awfully quickly! Someone has all the right moves. . .



That man was a wise one, indeed. I'm so sorry about your beautiful sensitive artist-man's hands. I hope they heal soon. Though you've been in many a brawl, so I imagine they aren't as injured as you so modestly imply. . .

12:11 AM

Blogger ginab said...

Any excuse to fart.

Really, that anus or that massive cow, all he appears to do for money is rake dirt around. He's suffering. I believe Gary Glitter is tendering the same chore as I write, tho unpaid. Except I bet he's devising a way to become paid for his shortcomings, like this anus or angus here, raking dirt around for a living. that's a shortcoming. soon he'll be eating dirt if not already.

dirt for the massive cow coming up!

5:56 AM

Blogger Me said...

Yes, that's true there are no loggers in San Francisco but there are Anguses...shudder.
Although Matty tells me that disco balls drop from the sky when Goldfrapp plays. Perhaps I should consider a change in geography! ;)

9:44 AM

Blogger Jab @ BZT said...

Hey Ing, we share the same year. What month in 67/68 were you born?

I agree with what ME said when she said, "It seems to me that the perfect date or even Love comes precisely when you're least looking for it."

The following isn't focused directly at you since I don't know you from Atom Ant but instead an 'in general'.

I divorced a BIG mistake back in 2001 and resigned myself to making a good and happy life alone at that point. Just over a year later at an open mic night in Madison, doing what I love doing more than anything in the world - yapping my jaw behind a microphone - I was blindsided by my perfect countersoul.

So I say, resign, bury yerself in what you love to do more than anything in the world - hopefully that doesn't include being shut up 24/7 in a cellar somewhere collecting spider poop or something else as isolating - and when you least expect it. . .


I'm a beliver in the theory that truly happy people draw truly happy people. And of course, vice-versa.

1:44 PM

Blogger ing said...


I grant you a ready excuse. Just please, could you wait until I roll down the window? I'm finding it hard to concentrate while I'm driving. . .



I have yet to witness this phemomenon, but soon, very soon, at The Fillmore. . .

And there are Anguses wherever you go. It's just a matter of how densely they populate the area. Here, I think they're few and far between.

Moving to San Francisco was the best thing that ever happened to me. Or maybe it was going to grad school in Kalamazoo. Whatever. It was all good.



Spider poop?

No, I don't isolate myself, not at all. But if I find myself stranded in a basement, I hope Adam Ant is there! Yow!

1:57 PM

Blogger ginab said...

And truly sad people attract other sad people, bumping into each other in dark basements somewhere in the bowels of Russia while they toil away sad hours collecting spider poop for dinner.

2:00 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

Anus is a real turd.

2:17 PM

Blogger ticharu said...

I just liked the part about being a predatory old crone! I got tingles right down to my toes! Wish I was in California!

6:04 PM

Blogger ginab said...

oh, yeah!

Where's Matty?

8:22 PM

Blogger matty said...

I'm here!

I was at work at the dental office this morning. ....a Goldfrapp remix came on the sound system and the floor opened up to reveal the funkiest dance floor you could ever imagine --- my Paul Frank shirt turned into a glitter jacket and I danced for a solid hour! It was tres amazing!

Meredith and Gina should move here! We could totally rule this city. I think Gina would need to be our ring leader, but we would make for one hell of a gang. I wonder what we could call our gang?!?!?

Ing - I've not yet even opened my book. I feel so ashamed. I need to get cracking on that!!!! Oh, when are you going to come over and see Nighty Night???

10:46 PM

Blogger Labbie said...

Oh, my... That was a bit rude of him, not to mention completely, uh, how you say, weird?

I totally agree with you. Dating in real life or online must always be taken with a grain assault... er... of salt because we mortals are too freaking different from one another to find "the right one" right away. I know people in their 50's who didn't find the right one until then.

And, oh, by the way, age is another one of those artificial boundaries (markers) that we set for ourselves. If the Earth went around the sun half as fast, you'd be 19. So there... It's not you. It this damn gravitational force emminating from the sun, making the planet go faster than it should.

Where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah. Hi. Miss me much?

10:51 PM

Blogger Labbie said...

Who the hell is named "Angus", anyhow?

11:21 PM

Blogger SCOTT said...


12:28 AM

Blogger ing said...


Ahh, yes, I remember the writing program too, ginab. There was never ever enough spider poop to go around, and Jonathan was always hoarding it.

Sorry I missed your call. I was working at the bookstore and then I got sidetracked by a glass of red wine in this bar.



It's so true, that old saying about how you can't polish one. . . Though rumor has it they do it in The Haight and then string them on leather cord and then sell them out of the backs of their trucks.



That's why I love you so. . .



Look down.


Um, Matty:

I have been hinting about watching Nighty Night with you for like the last two days! But if I find it on DVD, you then have to come over to my place some time to watch Wonder Showzen. Unless you think Alan wouldn't hate it, and then we could watch it at your place.

Oh, I listened to Goldfrapp in the car today, all the way to Santa Cruz and then all the way back to San Fran. It was funny; highway 280 peeled back and rolled up like a carpet to reveal a floor lit from below with large multicolored squares, confetti began to rain from the sky, and my Nissan transformed into a pure, white horse. I felt oddly pissed at Mick Jagger, for some reason.

If we're going to have a gang, could we call ourselves The Precocious Felines? Or how about Hey, Gang!?

Now Read. I'm holding a whip. Hurry.



Angus always struck me as the name of an ancient Viking who founded a chain of seafood restaurants in which one's food always arrives in a plastic basket, garnished with parsley that looks like it's been scavenged from a dumpster.

Of course I missed you.

12:59 AM

Blogger Labbie said...

It's good to be missed, you know? Anyhow, the answer is, yes, Himmelfarb. Got a problem with that? We'll fix it real quick.

And, yes, Angus is that god... It's in the wikipedia somewhere.

(And you don't look a day over 25. In fact, if I was there, I'd take you out for a good time.)

2:25 AM

Blogger ing said...

Awww, Labster, thanks!!

3:52 AM

Blogger Movin'on said...

Can we put this guy on that web site Don't date him Girl? Do you think his ego would get even bigger if he knew that we have seen all the correspondance and been slagging him off?

6:57 PM

Blogger dianne_lone said...

I guess its really hard to find a date when you are over 30. It because guys your age look for girls who are younger than them. You'd probably find someone who is in his 40s, broke or divorced. I have been a fan of, a dating site where I met my fiancee Adam. Try that site, maybe like me you'll get to see a prospective match for you.

2:44 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, please don't judge all "Angus'" by this idiots attempt at an intellectual response. Why the hell did he state that he wanted someone older if he isn't even interested in at least meeting you. I'll end this the same way I started. He's an idiot! (another Angus)

6:14 PM


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