This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


Because my room is such a pigsty, Matty sent me this. It's too bad about the sudden appearance of the can, which sort of interrupts the denouement. And what was it they were advertising? I've seen this thing three times and I still can't remember. . . a yellow plastic dildo? If the commercial continued for four more minutes, I would've run out to purchase one.

ANYWAY, today I decided I want to be one of those women who wears pumps, and then, fortuitously (okay, not exactly fortuitously), I wandered into a Nordstrom's, and now I'm gonna wear the mothers out! I mean, damn! They'll go perfectly with jeans, and I think I'll look pretty hot in them when I'm filling up at the gas station.

Speaking of which, why the hell can't I smoke at the gas station?


P.S. I'm quitting after this last pack. I mean it & cross my heart. Encourage me, yeah?


Blogger ing said...

And to top it off, ginab sent me this cool necklace. The chain is made of stainless steel beads, like the chain you pull to drain the bath, and the clasp is called, I think, a splcing link.

Hanging from the chain is a small, round pendant with a silver backing. The pendant is made of clear, convex glass that has this magnifying effect on what lies behind it. And behind it is a tiny skyview map of San Francisco. If my camera had batteries, I'd show you a picture right now. But that will have to wait.

3:03 AM

Blogger ing said...

And I'm sorry this is not about the time I skinned a skunk. That tale is still brewing, and soon I will spill it. Because I promised I would.

3:06 AM

Blogger Jimbo Big Toe said...

Hope you have better luck with your last pack than I did or well really do every so often. The hardest part for me is going out drinking. Good luck! Oh and you can’t smoke at a gas station while filling up because the gasoline companies are pissed that the tobacco companies for brining crappy gifts to their weddings. The tobacco companies however are too proud to apologize. I personally think it is silly and they should make up.

5:43 AM

Blogger ticharu said...

Cigarettes bad - marijuana good!

7:15 AM

Blogger AndyW said...

Somedays I want to be one of those women who wears pumps. Was that to much information?? Acutally, I've watched my wife give birth three times. Women are definitely the stronger sex.

The only reason they don't want you to smoke at the gas station is because they're affraid to lose a customer.
Fuck'n oil companies!

7:18 AM

Blogger Bloodgood said...

I think women definetly look hot in pumps, I wish I could get Mrs.B to wear them sometime. Im sure you will look good!
I quit smoking a few years back and I just quit cold turkey. It is the best way I think. I only smoked for a few years so I cant really speak for someone who has smoked for 10+ years. I do still enjoy a clove every once and a while. I think it might be easier if you take up a sport in its place. Maybe you can imagine everytime you put the cigarette up to your mouth that it is something really gross. How ever you go about it good luck!!!!!!!!

7:53 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

I quit about 12 years ago for about the sixth time. I realized I can never ever smoke again or it just sneaks back. I was never a heavy smoker just if I had a few scratch the first part. Cold turkey and think of all the trust fund baby's who are going to have to get a job because the teat of tabac. revenue is no longer there to cling to.
On another note I have been giving Jungle some travel tips for the states, she is really learning fast and is surprised she was not aware of some of our customs.
Good luck with the smoking once you finally do it you will be wondering what the hell you where doing in the first place. After about three years I lost all desires for the bastards, nothing triggered the desire. First 6 months are the worst after that its just a matter of pure Zen. Now I gotta go verificate..

8:41 AM

Blogger ginab said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:29 AM

Blogger ginab said...

But I should have sent you pearls, each one kissed by the young nearly naked cleaning boo. You'd be doing a kind of figurative explosion, a "sorta-smoke", at the gas station runnin' there in them heels-like.

The boy wonder is too baby-faced for me. Was that straw in his hair? yuck.

I'm not buying another pack of cigs and I'm clean out. I might aid the loss through patches. On my way now to the store for those.

Only in America (is that true?) can a woman shop for a tank-ini, a bag of dog food, and nicotene patches, in one store.

Very dreamlike indeedy.

10:30 AM

Blogger ginab said...

Everybody: you can't smoke a gas stations while filling up because, duh, you could cause a major explosion.

I felt I had to use 'major' when an explosion is really all you need to end your life and everybody elses around that gas station.

over and out
SGT: ginab

1:48 PM

Blogger wallycrawler said...

My advise to you is , get good and drunk ! A three day hangover drunk . I suggest Martinis , double Martinis and keep em coming . After ya puke for a couple of days smoking isn't really on your mind . To help with the suppression Nicorette gum for 2-3 weeks .

Now you maybe asking yourself that's a pretty stupid way of quiting ? Hey worked for me ten years ago !

4:26 PM

Blogger matty said...

Ing! I didn't send that to ya cause of your room! I wouldn't do that! I just sent it cause it made me laugh.

I can't wait to see the shoes, necklace and new tshirt!

I used to smoke while putting gas in my car just to see if I would get in trouble. ...I never did. I was a stupid/bad kid.

Are you ready to show my little brother the sites? ...or, radio havana and the emma's?

do we both have dates tomorrow night. not sure what i'm doing with mine but I meet him at 6.

9:29 PM

Blogger ing said...

jimbo b.t.:

Oh, I don't have a hard time going out drinking.

I smoked the last one this afternoon! If I can make it to Sunday, I'm in the clear. Even though I crave one, I'm really excited about this change.

Gas companies, tobacco companies -- those two deserve each other.



Have you been reading my journal again? (Not the one in which I've written over and over again in fancy cursive handwriting, "Mrs. Beck Hansen," in preparation for all the extravagant checks I'm going to sign after we tie the knot. No, I'm referring to my weed diary.)



Ah, but did she give birth while wearing pumps? Because second to the hotness of me gassing up in high heels would be me (or any woman, for that matter) squeezing one out in great shoes.

And yeah, those effing oilmen with their oilrules and regulations -- they're cramping my style!



I started smoking almost exactly one year ago, and cold turkey will be the way. I am using some of that money I spent on cigs to take exercise classes at the YMCA (my two favorites: kickboxing and yoga).

Mrs. B. I'm sure has her own unique style of hotness; go with the flow, scoots! She might be the kind of woman who wears cowboy boots or platform clogs or pink flip-flops. All decidedly hot.



Never again is the way. I start when I'm so stressed out I don't have time to work out, but there's got to be a better way to deal with stress.

I will peruse those tips of yours, because as you know, you are my favorite reviewer of books. Even though you snore.



Explosions? At a gas station? Yeah, like that would ever happen. . .

I wasn't exactly looking at Mr. Hunk's face, especially when he was cleaning the picture frame above the mantle. But I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Nope. He could get as many crumbs on my sheets as he likes. 'Long as he keeps polishing.

But you are much less shallow than I am and you look for character in a face. Come to think of it, so do I! Just, crackers: no prob.



But you're talking about every Saturday morning of my godforsaken life. And every Saturday I manage to smoke the pain away. Still, my heart's a virgin. In its left ear.



I know -- I was just teasing you. You will not see my room until it's clean. I've seen yours, and it's perfect, right down to your gay garbage.

You smoked at a gas station?! You crack me up! I'm so glad you didn't explode.

On your bro. and the sights, sí and sí.

I do have a date tomorrow night with a Latin music performance, as the guy can't make it. I will wear my new pumps and my sexy new shirt! I will come home verrry late! I will NOT smoke a cigarette!

10:42 PM

Blogger matty said...

Ing -- Don't smoke anymore. To quit is simply to stop. I still think you could give it a few weeks before you jump into the minty fresh world of non-smokers, but since you've taken the plunge --- go for it!

Hey, I think we Ing-fans need to know about that skunk. I'm just sayin'.

Have fun dancin' with the boys! I can't find my penis/frog charm necklace. It's a mystery. Oh dear.

6:15 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

ING, PUT IT DOWN! Good girl, all you will be missing is the Raspy "HI DOll" voices of the "fun girls from Mount Pilot". Strenght JW

6:30 AM

Blogger Captain Carl said...

Arrrr.....if ya stop smoking ay will personally lick ta yellow stain away from between yer how is that fer an incentive.........

7:38 AM

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I could use a cigarette after that video.

11:58 AM

Blogger Labbie said...

Uh, a liquid flows from within the gas pump. Said liquid is highly flammable, but -and here's the neat part- only when it is compressed or is in a gaseous form. It is compressed in the cylinders of the engine, and then a spark makes it explode, moving the cylinders. It is also gaseous when it is escaping from the gas tank as you fill it. Any minor spark will light it up, causing an explosive fire.

And that, boys and girls, is why smoking must be done only after pumping... er... gasoline.

Also, I want to read your musings well into our fifties, so quitting smoking will increase your chances of reaching that age.

12:41 PM

Blogger Labbie said...

"Quitting smoking is very easy. I've done it a thousand times." -Mark Twain

12:43 PM

Blogger ticharu said...

You have a weed diary??? How cool is that?!?!? You might get a kick out of my journals. I should transcribe some of that stuff, it's lurid and crazy and funny and sick all at once.

8:09 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

but romeo is bleeding as he gives the man his ticket
and he climbs to the balcony at the movies
and he'll die without a whimper
like every heros dream
just an angel with a bullet
and cagney in the screen

9:18 PM

Blogger matty said...

Date. Blah. Movie was good, tho.

Hope your dancin' was fun!!!

11:53 PM

Blogger Karen Little said...

that's weird - just the other day i decided i'm the kinda gal that wears brown leather cowboy boots and fortuitously walked into a shop that sold just those...

yup, keep trying to stop: smoking gives you colon cancer. and the money you save on cigarettes (and, i guess) medical bills, you can use to buy shoes. it's a shame that so many shoes look better with a cigarette.

12:26 AM

Blogger ing said...

Matt, my older bro:

I did not smoke tonight, though I'm afraid the bartender, who was susceptible to the immense charms of my lovely housemates, was providing us with free drinks in hopes of seducing one of the said housemates. I felt (as usual) like the escort. Though yay, we did bump into a bookstore customer -- cute dude with long & kinky red hair, big nose, nerdy glasses, very stylish. My type. I flirted, but unforntunately I was drunk and on the verge of my mense and acting all crazy powerful & scary & not too keen (that's what menses do) on straight men and their power. (No offense to my straight male readers -- remember, I am and was hugely wasted on cheap red wine, and as I so crudely admitted, I will be raising the red flag. Deal with it. Know that there's some kind of compensatory solace in the idea that I cannot resist men, despite the aforementioned everyting.)

But back to Matt, my favorite guy. I did not dance, but I had fun with my ladies. I did not smoke, though I though to a lot. Your necklace needs to reappear in some fashion, as does the skunk skinnin', as it will.

Matt, you are my sunshine.



Yes, those raspy voices were kind of hot in our youth, but at this point in my life it's no longer. You know what I'm sayin'. I have not picked up, and tomorrow morning I'm halfway through the shit.



You are my secret and true reason for prolonging my life. Thank you for putting into words what was once an unspoken understanding. Did I ever tell you that your hat suits you like no other hat on earth?



Yep. And I wouldn't have to be addicted to agree with that one. The vid was a workout.


Our fifities? Okay, deal. Unless I get hit by a train. But I won't. Get hit by a train, I mean. Though it's likely I will be torn to shreds by a pack of ferile dogs while I'm living in some Asian country/


My darling ticharu, my brave Josh, my heart's twin Matty:

I'm drunk and tired and just happier than I ever imagined. I have to rest. I will come back to you, my chosen ones, very soon.

1:06 AM

Blogger ing said...



I have a weed journal, a beer calendar, and a daily planner made from cocktail napkins.



Who filled the jockey with bourbon?



Sorry about the "blah" part. I didn't dance so much as I lost my balance with regularity, sitting there on my barstool.

7:36 AM

Blogger ing said...

Oops, Karen:

You're back!

I have a pair of cowboy boots myself. They look pretty good with a roll-your-own.

As of now, I've made it for a day and a half. I'm almost there!

7:39 AM

Blogger digitic said...

The wilted hibiscus blossom packed a punch as I stuffed it into my right nostril. Heady, spicy, and with an unmistaken floral undertone; sublime and akin to the aroma of a spent glass of Barolo, dried drops of unguent liquid abandoned by our lips, whispering what could have beens deep in the shadows of the Umbrian taverna.

I pull away from from the clinging fog of my dream in order to give myself fully to newly arrived plate of melone e prosciutto that magically appeared at my table. Fresh cantaloupe wrapped in thin salty slices of prosciutto d'Parma dripping with the juices of past loves.

The beat of the ipu heke echoed in my thoughts as real as the day we danced -- slowly undulating in the soft Mediterranean breeze lit by the starshine on the tiled portico.

9:08 AM

Blogger JackJumpedOverTheMoon said...


Good luck with quitting smoking! Hope all is well.


1:01 PM

Blogger ginab said...

"Black Pumps" might be a title. I was just thinking...and then I want to encourage me. ;-)

I know you're having fun. And the hyper wheel of quittin' clean will add to your dance. If it's not raining, I hope you're treating that city by the bay with the vision of you wearing those flattering shoes.


2:23 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

I had some beers last night as well, hence the Tom Waits jag. Better than a breathalyser. Strong work on the no smoking , all juiced up and you did not give in, strong work!

2:23 PM

Blogger sage said...

I don't care if you smoke at a gas station as long as I'm not around although I might make an exception if you're wearing those pumps...

Actually I do care, somethings just don't mix, gasoline vapors and lit cigarettes being an example, lungs and smoke another... Good luck with your attempts to break the habit.

7:47 PM

Blogger sombrero11 said...

Here's the thing though... All gas stations are now required to install fume-capture devices on the handles of the gas pumps for polution control reasons. So if those devices actually work like they are supposed to, then the actual amount of gasoline vapor in the air should be minimal, making smoking while pumping perfectly safe.


7:43 AM

Blogger Chris Capp said...

Don't smoke! At the gas station or anywhere else.

You can do it.

For one thing, think of the money you'll save. That crap is expensive.

9:15 PM

Blogger ginab said...

Maybe I'm repeating myself, and this is terrible because I'm no horn player despite my reputation, but I raised more than a few feminine eye brows when I forwarded the movie of the hunk boy/man cleaner to a few women I know.

11:27 AM

Blogger Bloodgood said...

Just poppin by to see how not smokin was goin.

Has it been sunny in SF?

10:26 PM

Blogger ing said...


I am no longer a smoker. WOO!



Now that's a sensual comment! I never thought to combine prosciutto with canteloupe with hibiscus, but I'm feeling it!



Thanks, and it is, all of it.



I wore them to work last night. And then it poured. One rather annoying customer lectured me about what they'd do to my back. Am I not allowed to feel good about myself for certain stretches of time? (That's what I asked him. He just scowled.)



Juiced I was, but not tanked. I don't smoke any more! Yay!



Your second paragraph attests to the appropriateness of your name, for only the sagest of men would avoid the cigarette-gasoline combo. I predict that you will live long and prosper.



Thanks! You ever think about running for Surgeon General? With that face, you're a shoe-in.



No doubt! I need to funnel that money into my shoe-and-booze fund.



You raised more than some eyebrows, I'm sure...



Ugh, it's been pissing rain. I do not smoke. Things are looking up.

6:07 AM

Blogger Le Chitelier said...

AAAAH HA HA HAAAAAA!!!! I LOVE the cleaning hunk bit!

Those are really cool heels. Are they at least semi-comfy?

Oh and quitting is a good idea because one of my friends wound up dead from cigarettes... I think his last smoke WAS at a gas station...

12:12 PM


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