This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Coke or Pepsi?

The following is part of a questionnaire I ripped off from Matty's blog because I'm too lazy and tired to do much else.

What is your favourite TV show of all time?
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman.

What is your middle name?
"The Road"

What foods do you dislike?
Pineapple -- it's those pointy little cat's claws in the rind, the stringy texture, and the awful specificity of its flavor.

What is your favourite crisp flavour?

Favourite Sandwich?
Ethan Canin and Jonathan Lethem.

Favourite item of clothing?
The cravat, the sock garter, the nehru jacket.
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

What colour is your bathroom?
Do you mind? I'll be out in a second.

Where would you retire to?
My chambers, of course. Are you going to barge in on me there, too?

Favourite time of the day?
Any time you open me a Boddington's.

What was your most memorable birthday?
Five. My favorite color: pink. My mother baked a cake with pink candles and set it on the table where she'd arranged a bouquet of pink roses next to a small pyramid of presents wrapped in pink paper and tied with pink bows. Everyone was singing and eating this sugary pink cake and taking my picture -- flash bulbs, kisses, and lots of questions that even at five I found asinine. My grandmother peered at me through her viewfinder. "Smile," she said. "Wave. Give your brother a hug." Her camera regurgitated polaroids, which she let fall on the pink tablecloth. Soon I grew dizzy with all the attention and then my cheeks and forehead began to flush. Since I wasn't feeling well I became very quiet, and I remember observing that nobody seemed to notice this but continued to photograph me in my pink party hat. That's when I puked pink cake all over my pink pajamas.

Beginning, then, on my fifth birthday and for a few years after I couldn't stand the color pink.

That was the seventies. Back then, my dad worked at a paper mill in Everett, Washington. His boss let him bring home irregularly cut reams of paper for me to draw on.

The morning after my fifth birthday, before he had to leave for work, my dad taught me how to make hats out of the newspaper. I practiced it several times, and I was fascinated with the process of folding those crisp lines. As soon as he finished his coffee and left, I went into my room and opened the drawer where I had a nice, thick ream of pink paper. I folded every single piece into a tri-cornered hat and then I lined the hats up neatly all around the edges of my bedroom. The sight of them made me feel nauseous. But at least I'd used up all that awful paper.

For the rest of my childhood, my mother remained stubbornly convinced that I loved pink, and not wanting to dash her hopes, I guess, I pretended to prefer it over blue and green and orange.

e e e

Now, though, I love all colors and I don't hide that from nobody, nohow. Especially red. Which is a whole 'nother story.

Where were you born?
Seattle, Washington.

Favourite sport to watch?

Coke or Pepsi?
Sake. Not hot, though, no way! I will only drink it if it's 110 degrees, precisely. If it's not, I'll throw the glass to the floor and crush the shards with my boot, then I'll toss my head, pull my coat snugly around me, and stalk out of the room. The room will be silent for a moment and then everyone will spontaneously applaud.

Vodka or Brandy?


Blogger matty said...

Wow -- your 5th birthday party brings to mind a scene from a movie that Vincente Minnelli must have forgot to make --- or that errie Debbie Harry song, "Strike Me Pink"

Actually, your 5th birthday party set up feels like a dream I'd like to have. ...Minus the flashing camera and puking.

I worry that I shall dream of rows and rows of pink paper hats. But, then again -- that might be kind of cool if I do. Hmmmm...

1:08 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

I had a fifth birthday party, nice picture of me with hair neatly parted , bunch of kids from the neighborhood and I was a complete shit. My mom still brings this up, and like your mom thinking you liked pink I let my mom beleive I was a complete shit. Gotta go theres a world to save. Ciao JW

7:36 AM

Blogger Polyman2 said...

I never had a 5th birthday party..
Waaa, Waaa, Waaa!

7:38 AM

Blogger Captain Carl said... think the Capt would look good in a cravat, the sock garter, and the nehru jacket?.......

8:12 AM

Blogger matty said...

OK -- so I had a horrible 5th birthday party and it was the last party I ever allowed to be given in my honor. I invited everyone from my kindergarten class and all the neighborhood kids. My mohter invited children of some goof-ball hippiechick types she loved to hang with back then. ...and one of their daughters had hepatitus (sp?) --- resulting in every 5 and 6 year old in my party having to get shot in the butt to prevent us from getting sick. I was hated for a week. LOL! But, no pink. Tho, in retrospect that would have been fitting.

9:04 AM

Blogger ing said...


I had to look up Vincente Minnelli. I don't believe I've seen any of his films, but they sound cool & full of colors. I like to write about children and manipulative parents and how these little events from our past become hugely formative.

Debby Harry, yeah! So how were your dreams?



Sometimes it's the kindest thing, not to shatter those illusions. In what way were you a shit? Or was it just the prissy-hairdo-stuff?



Has life passed you by, Polyman? On the next birthday, you should party for a week straight. That'll make up for it. I'll bring the beer.



The Capt would look dashing in each of these items and in all three at once, he would look devastating. Give the ladies a break, Captain. You're killing us.



That cracked me up! I bet you secretly resented that hepatitus girl for a while. I knew a girl named Colette who had some kind of sinus problem; always a disgusting green snot hanging from her left nostril. And Tara, who was beautiful but smelled strongly of pee.

9:53 AM

Blogger Labbie said...

Pink? Well, I guess we don't have ONE thing in common. :p

10:16 AM

Blogger kellywalters said...

fucking nice

10:24 AM

Blogger ing said...


Besides being worried that your ex- is pissed, you mean? : ]


Will you write my eulogy, when the time comes? You really sum it up, and I don't want people hanging around for too long, mooching finger sandwiches and stuff. Thanks!

10:52 AM

Blogger ginab said...

Really, I think you ate too much cake so cake, had cake been a color, was the color that should have made you sick. Be glad your mom didn't paint your bedroom cake, or make you wear your cake sweater to school, or make you carry your lunch in a box of cake.

Or, no, sugar; sugar's what'd made you hurl and I do mean hurllllllll. Splat, spit, splatto, spitto. burp.

Surfer? Okay. Here's another announcement: I feel sick.

Even my word verification is too close to barf bag, so close....I haven't got time!!!!!!!!!

11:37 AM

Blogger ing said...


She didhave me wear a little cake hat with little candles on the top all the time. We got in a fight about it in high school because the hat didn't match my graduation gown.

And no, it was more like, mrrraaaaaaaawgh! Then I imagine I started bawling. Why do kids so that? Start bawling after they puke? I still do it. What's up with that? But now I puke like ahem.. Kaff, kaff. Erm, 'scuse me, how rude! (That last comment is for people who stare as a wipe my mouth with my lace hanky.)

Surfing makes you sick? I'm just scared of the otters. They have big, yellow teeth, you know.

Give Bode a big kiss for me, will you? Just make sure he doesn't get all confused and think he's kissing you -- it's from me, okay? No tongue, though, until we're married (he knows the routine).

11:48 AM

Blogger ginab said...

And it's the routine that's going to send dear Bode right down my [omit].

No wretching? Not ever? C'mon! I'm you're friend! I'm keeping the Bode for you. Yep indeedy dandy down a yippy lane.

12:00 PM

Blogger ginab said...

bawling, bauling, balling...what is the big deal?

12:03 PM

Blogger ing said...

Down your [omit]? By that, do you mean "your friend ing's front stairs to like knock on her door and personally deliver flowers and a ring?" Look, Bode and I don't mind if you tell the Olympic judges and so forth about us.

Thanks for keeping him, though. I knew I could trust you. Hey, don't let him eat all my Wheat Thins, okay?

Thanks for being so understanding about the bawling. I get kind of embarrassed when I puke-and-bawl. Balling is fine for some, but as I mentioned, Bode and I are holding off until the big day. We don't want to compromise his form on the slopes.

Bauling. . . erm. . .

12:11 PM

Blogger ginab said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:18 PM

Blogger ginab said...

"...send dear Bode right down my" NOT "your" AND never-u-min-d is what. Wish upon a star, like.

Back to four letter word (hint: happens on a desk?). What's happened to me? green bold Bode tea.

12:19 PM

Blogger ing said...

To everyone:

Here is a picture of my new fiancé, Bode Miller. I thought I'd just put it on the front of the invitation. You're all invited to the wedding. Gina, would you deliver him for me? And make sure his tux fits & stuff? I'll be busy the night before with all of my bridal preparations. Sorry to ask this of you, but you're my best friend.

12:19 PM

Blogger ing said...

On a desk? Whatever happened to that blanket you crocheted, ginab? The one with Hendrix's visage and all that purple smoke? At the cleaner's again?

12:23 PM

Blogger sage said...

I really would like to go to Mongolia for vacation and sake is to be served warm (110 F) or so, not hot. Loved the picture

12:30 PM

Blogger ing said...


Really on the sake? Okay, I changed that item, just for you.

I'll meet you in Mongolia, then. My yurt is the third from the left.

12:42 PM

Blogger ginab said...

Yeah darlin', for you anything; I will lay out Bode's finest linens.

1:02 PM

Blogger ginab said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:11 PM

Blogger ginab said...

You know, I take my commitment all back. If I were even to look like Bode Miller, if I were close to looking like Bode Miller, I'd start out sneaky by assuming a backward somersault posture but then I'd wrestle my hips into my own face.

In other words, my friend, when you're in Mongolia I won't be laying out fine linen.

No offense sista', but I am sooooo thrilled I can't even spell. Not tudday, no amara, naw eva'

1:13 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

Oh, you know I was holding down three jobs and I guess I wanted more than just a biscuit from behind the ice box. Them was hard times and I mis-behaved like a spoiled brat.

1:26 PM

Blogger matty said...

You know, I've been wanting to let you know that I feel you should lose the cake hat. ...People were talking about and pointing at you as we walked down the street. ...I thought you might have caught on after that 4th toursit asked to take your picture. Since you've opened the door --- I can finally let you know.

I hated the hep girl. I didn't even like her before we knew she was the 1973 Texas Trailer Park Version of Typhoid Mary. In fact, I saw her at my father's funeral and still had trouble liking her. I feel guilty. She has like 10 kids and lives in the same park she did when she was growing up.

Oh, you would enjoy a VM movie! They are so pretty! Meet Me in St. Louis and On A Clear Day are my faves! However, I usually need a good dose of Fassbinder to take the edge off after sitting thru one.

Can you really surf?!!?!? Color me jealous! I've always wanted to surf. Sadly, I know I would only injure myself with the pretty board and attract sharks. I'd still like to have one of those cool suits, tho!

So, I googled Bode Miller and am still confused about what he does. Olympics? Racing on skis? However, he is a bit of a looker!

1:28 PM

Blogger ginab said...

Bode is more than likely the fastest downhill skier in the world, and he does it in his own way. Olympics.

A bit of a looker? Matty, are you asking? :-)

1:32 PM

Blogger ing said...


Bode and I had a little talk. He says he wants to be "friends." What do you think he meant by that? He showed me a picture of you he's carrying in his wallet. He'd cut it into a heart shape. Isn't that sweet? My Bode is so friendly to everyone.



I hate "Hepatitus Hetty," too! She's definitely not invited to the wedding that Bode has now informed me he wants to postpone indefinitely. It's so kind of him to hold out for our special day. . .

No, I can't really surf. I kind of crouch on the board and then fall off and then scream when the sea otters come after me. I love sports, but I'm extremely uncoordinated. Ginab, however, can hit a baseball and throw and catch and all that puzzling stuff.

1:51 PM

Blogger ing said...

Oh, and Josh:

Well, that'll teach you to be so selfish. Nobody likes a "Selfish Sammy." Except maybe "Hepatitis Hetty." Hey Matty, you still in touch with her? I'm all set up now, but I think Josh needs a date. . .

2:05 PM

Blogger ginab said...

Ing, you're too easy. It was only a little talk and that was not my heart-shape. But enjoy Mongolia. I can talk to Bodey (that's what I call him, Bodey) I can talk to Bodey more if you like...just to be sure. I mean, I'm not in the mood for no veil dance, if you know what I mean. You remember that last time I swung the bat? All them beez came out of nowhere and I was under the Oak wrestling with the sun. What a swearing mess and it sure stung.

Before signing off, P.S. I blame this junior high day (I was wild in junior high) on my shirt. It's in green the color of kid-puke-after-kid-party, and it has three delicate buttons for no reason at all on the front. It reminds me of something I wore in junior high. I am digressing.

Did our mothers write this stuff or did their mothers write and do this kind of thing when they were approaching 40?

I wonder.

2:07 PM

Blogger matty said...

Oh, no -- I meant to say that Bode IS quite the looker. I guess his beauty threw me off.

Your surfing technique caused me to spit Diet Coke at Sweet Inspirations. A scary club boi gave me his number earlier because he liked my red sportcoat. (made no sense to me either) --- but, after spitting and laughing at my mac I think I've been fully dissed by the Castro Gay Elite.

No, can't say that I am in touch with Hep Hatty, but my mom is!

Do you think Josh should want I get him set up? i suspect she comes with a great deal of baggage in addition to her many children. However, she might have access to food stamps. ...maybe I should hook up with her?

2:43 PM

Blogger sage said...

yeah, really on the sake. That's why they have those sake sets--the sake is placed in the ceramic small vase which is put into boiling water to warm the sake, then it is served in those small shot glasses. BTW, I don't particularly like sake, so have a good quality aged rum, bourbon or scotch in your yurt.

3:47 PM

Blogger Labbie said...

What? Me worry? Nah.

I hope you're not having any fun... I'm not. I'm sitting here in advanced biostatistical analysis class... *barf*

4:40 PM

Blogger jungle jane said...

Ing i am a very surprised at the depths of your dislike for pineapple! surely the melon is the more objectionable fruit? whilst pineapple is not subtle like the melon, at least it doesn't repeat on your for hours.

or is that just me?

8:00 PM

Blogger Chris Capp said...


Is that a name?

I mean, I'm just asking.

12:53 AM

Blogger Labbie said...

According to Men's Health Magazine, the ultimate authority on things as such, if a man eats enough pineapple, his semen will taste of it.
I'm sure you all really wanted to know that... And half of you will try it. :p

ING, are those your real initials, or did you want your readers to think of you when those commercials come on for that ING financial/bank/thing?

1:58 AM

Blogger ginab said...

Yes, Bode is a name. It's also a word in the dictionary.

And Labbie I believe you're the last one to know: whatever you eat comes out. Yep. Put down the cheese burgers, in other words. Everybody: forget the pork rinds. Reach instead for strawberries.

6:20 AM

Blogger ticharu said...

Jodi Foster's Army cut a mean polka!
My fav TV show is The Patty Duke Show, and for a sandwich it has to be pickles and pineapple.
Wool socks!!!
My 18th birthday was the best. I was legal to drink which made me very popular in the middle of my senior year!

6:23 AM

Blogger ing said...


Easy like Sunday mornin'.

If all bodes well, you can give up the bat for a nice, soft glove & some sting-eze.

My mom, no. Her mom, I think so. (Gran was a surfer.)



First, find out if the club boi gets the stamp, too. With Hep Hat, you'll have to compete with all the kids for your resources. Josh Williams is a little scrapper, so I think he can handle it. You're used to the relative ease and glamour of the Gay Elite Lifestyle. Don't try to deny it; I've seen your nails and they are immaculate.



Interesting. . . and a novel idea, that one. My practice has always been to light a fire behind a dumpster and to toss on the bottle, along with a couple of paotatoes wrapped in tin foil. Once the sake is nearly boiling, I pour it into a styrofoam cup. It's my little ceremony.

Rum, I can have rum. Do you drink it hot, and if so, there's a dumpster in Ulaan Bataar; meet you there?



I tried, I really did. But I was overcome with party fever and the only cure was hot sake.



No, but beans. . .Wait.

Must. Not. Wax. Scatological.

Resist. Resist. Calmblueoceancalmblueocean.




Who gives a gnat's tooter what his name is. He could be called Solomon Grunderpants for all I care. I mean, I really didn't want to do this to you, but !!



Those are the first three letters of my first name, and I wanted my readers to think of a gerund to go with their verb of choice. Yours, I imagine, has to do with the results of pineapple eating. I hope she enjoys it.



Wouldn't the world be a beautiful place if we all put down our cheeseburgers and ate strawberries? I see a bumper sticker. . . that would go over so well in Santa Cruz!



You have booze? You're extremely popular with me! Hey, would you quit hiding the key to the liqour cabinet every time I come over to listen to music? Thanks.

8:41 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

Food Stamps!She sounds cute!

12:54 PM

Blogger crabcake said...

And here I sat innocently eating my cherry, choco chip, cupcake with pink icing when....BLAP! Ing hits me with the image of a massive pile of pink gak splattered hither and yon. Oh, the shame of it.


12:55 PM

Blogger SuperAmanda said...

Matt reminded me of Harry's "Koo Koo"
another forgotten gem with Giger graphics.

Hope you have been well Ing. My best wishes for more questions to be happily answered ;)
xo Amanda

3:30 PM

Blogger ginab said...


5:50 PM

Blogger Labbie said...

I may have experimented a little here and there... Pineapple, Strawberries, Grape Juice... Reults: Extremely Positive.

6:35 PM

Blogger kellywalters said...


I would be more then happy to write it for you..

shit.. I'll fucking carve your stome for you babe..

thats how much I love ya.

10:07 AM

Blogger sage said...

I like your style. I'll look for the dumpster, but keep my rum out of the fire, okay?

10:19 AM

Blogger lryicsgrl said...

I loved this post. Your fifth party was a blast. Wish I could have been there. hehehhe
You know, I had two baby girls. Neither one of them had anything remotely PINK. Good intuition I suppose?
I went for mint green and baby blue (not together).
My older daughter was always dressed in black. A minature Johnny Cash. I was scolded by a waitress once, she told me I shouldn't dress a baby in black.
I couldn't help it, it showed off her blue/green eyes.
BTW, my daughter hates dressing in black now. She will only wear black with a dash of another color. Hmmm???

7:00 PM

Blogger Captain Carl said...

Yo Ho......Isnt she great......Pretty in Pink........

12:51 PM

Blogger crabcake said...

Dear Ing,
I might have accidentally pilfered your face and put it on ....well...a very nice body really. And maybe might have used it in a post was totally by chance.

1:52 PM

Blogger ginab said...

For the record: Indiana SUCKS!

Just returned from Notre Dame (ew).

3:20 PM

Blogger ing said...


And think: no more fridge biscuits! She just keeps getting cuter and cuter, doesn't she?



Mi gak es su gak. Happy to accommodate.



Hey, lady! Always nice to see you. Pull up a chair and I'll light a fire in the stove, eh?






Congratulations, daddy!






Shall I throw in an extra potato for you, or are you holding out for the sacrificial goat?



Babies look so cute in black! Slim, too. My mother wouldn't let me wear black in high school, so my wardrobe was entirely black for a good ten years. I've come full circle, I guess.



Are you bragging about your new sea-wench? She's got a lovely head of hair. You're not going to toss her back, are you?



Until I saw that photo, I didn't realize how much room there was for improvement. Thanks for dolling me up.



What were you doing in Notre Dame, ladyfriend? I hear those streets of central Indiana are a tad rough.

5:06 PM

Blogger matty said...

I wish I had a pink cake hat....

5:07 PM

Blogger ing said...

I wish I had a pink cake cat. I'm bored with these furry meowing things. They don't hold the candles.

5:08 PM

Blogger ing said...

Warning: Captain Carl is a heartbreaker! Ladies, don't let that smooth vernacular fool you.

5:30 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

Your right ing she is my soul mate! Fridge bisuits are a distant realive of "Hard Tack" sans the weevils... or so I am told. KR JW

8:27 PM

Blogger wallycrawler said...

My most memorable birthday was my seventeenth . The parents had a house party the same night [every weekend they had a house party !]. My dad built a huge party room in the basement so all neighbourhood drunks would come over on Friday nights . That night I went to the High School dance and came home pretty late and was faced . Most of the time my friends would come back and get drunk on dad's free bar . That night nobody came back with me , so it was the parents their friends and myself . When I got there everybody was fucked up , large ! Including my mothers best friend [ I'll call her Suzie]. She was not your typical housewife , she was in her early thirty's and could have passed for a college student [she's still well preserved]. After her husband went home , half snapped , she made a play for me . That scared the shit out of me ! I excused myself to take a pee , I guess she followed me back cause when I came out she pushed me back in the john . This isn't Penthouse so I'll stop there . Anywho we started a romance that lasted a long and fractured time . I still love her today , not the same , but I still feel great affection . Shit did I write about that ?

9:20 PM

Blogger jungle jane said...

What colour did you have for your 6th birthday party??

11:04 PM

Blogger ing said...

Josh Williams:

Hardtack is for soldiers, yeah? Soldiers and weevils and men of the sea. Fridge biscuits are for guys who step up to the plate on the domestic front. You, sir, are a true gentleman, and you eat the food of kings. I'm so proud of you. As a man of honor, you might want to say something to Captain Carl. He's not doing right by the ladies or living up to his rank.



Mrs. Robinson. Sounds like quite a birthday.



My mother, I guess. She colors everything.

11:32 PM

Blogger ticharu said...

Ing!!! You were in my dream this morning! You were much taller than me, like 6'7", an Amazon but really sad, and we were walking on the beach and I had to reach up and pull your face down to my level so I could kiss you cuz I tought that would cheer you up!

7:39 AM

Blogger ticharu said...

thought... proof reading!

7:40 AM

Blogger sage said...

Roasted goat would go nice with the potatoes...

7:46 AM

Blogger ing said...


Wow! I have been an Amazon of sadness lately (seriously). Thanks for thinking of me, Ticharu.



We need one more ingredient to round this off. . . What would a Mongolian have with their goat and potatoes?

8:08 AM

Blogger ticharu said...

A curious dream then... I hope happiness returns as a herd of wild water buffalo!

9:35 AM

Blogger jungle jane said...

Ing may i borrow Tich's herd of wild buffalo when you are done with them? Don't worry about a cup of sugar - i'll score that from Josh.

3:55 PM

Blogger ing said...

You bet, Jane. We could all use some more buffalo in our dreams. Shoo them along to Ticharu when you're done with them.

I'm dying to camp out in the tall grass. A nice fire, a guitar, the stars, and some beer. . .

4:06 PM

Blogger sage said...

cabbage (I eat mine boiled, then drained and served with a vietmanese hot sauce)

Or we could have ice cream

5:58 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

I am certain you will put up a post soon. I only say this because I made the the most intesting post on Ferret Legging on my site. I did not write the post, just copied and pasted. My only satisfaction is that I did not invent this whole sport and think it was real. Sadly it is real, you have to wonder what happened to Reg, my guess he is dead. ing I am not pitching my site but may take over yours if you do not post.
I have dicovered that after many of my comments on other blogs, the blogger is inspired to post again, so think of me as a motivator. JW

Typed blindly but not read or spele cheked.

6:13 PM

Blogger matty said...

Josh -- I got all mixed up. I think one of my friends must have put something in my drink tonight. I was thinking that I was playing Ferret Legging the other day, but I guess I was wrong. Still concerned about my tragic accidental mis-step and I can't get that stain off my flovots! ????

11:51 PM

Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Re: The Nehru jacket--I hope you don't mind the smell of mothballs; it's been a while.

Sock it to me, baby!!

9:17 AM

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Your blog is a joy to read. Why have I only just discovered you?!?!?

9:17 PM


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