This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Monday, October 08, 2007


That's what I am! In fact, I tried to write this one last night but wound up not having time to finish it! But here's what I gots:

I spent Friday with my friend S, who'd bought an IKEA bed but had yet to assemble it, so assemble it I did. S didn't have the right tools. Me, I have things from my previous life that I forgot I even had, including a very nice orange-handled phillips with a reversible bit. Ahhh, how I adore tools!

I was a bit stressed out from my first drive on the confusing highways and byways leading to Oakland. S lives in a low-crime area that seems overall pretty tame, but I of course took the wrong exit and wound up in murderville. So after getting to S's and having a couple of beers I accepted S's invite to stay over, and then the party was on!

Well, a party of assembly, which made me feel good. I like that I can put things together and follow instructions and though I'd prefer knowing that I could build my own furniture from scratch like Matty's cute BF, I felt pretty macha at the time.

The following morning I drove S back to SF and after dropping her off, I changed into something unflattering so I could BART back to Oakland and paint Matty's kitchen the color he chose and that I adore most: PINK! I had a strategy and was extremely methodical and tidy about it, and you should see how I cut in perfectly along the edges of the cabinets and so forth. . . 'Course that was nothing compared to the "sleeping platform" and "enviably designed" closet space and the "desk/office area" and the "entertainment center" that B designed and assembled in a mere week, after work. But the paint fumes smelled good, and pink is pretty!
After I finished the kitchen wall, I slapped some pastel yellow paint onto a metal ladder just adjacent to the kitchen & used, I guess, to access a high alcove that houses B and Matty's oddly-shaped hot-water tank which is designed for a family of ten. After the first coat, B pointed out that the pink-kitchen-yellow-ladder combo comprised a "bad eighties corner." Did he have a point? I cannot say whether or not he did. I was high on paint fumes and happy to be spending time with Matty and B and our best friend Britney, so I cannot say.

All I know is that I offered to come back and cover the "base coat" of yellow with something else on Monday, a holiday, at least for me and the bank employees and those who work at the post office. Which holiday? I'm afraid I cannot remember. . .

Anyway, Matty and B compromised on this absolutely (I thought) loverly shade of green for the ladder, which sort of resembles the green of these shoes, though it's slightly more neon and has just the weensiest bit of avocado in it. It's from the Ralph Lauren line of colors, just like the pink.

But I'm getting way ahead of myself. I spent Saturday, in between paint days, traveling BACK to Oakland once again for the NCIBA, or rather, the Northern California Independent Bookseller's Association. Despite my years and years as a bookseller, I'd never had the chance to go. Yo, I had to wear a badge! It was official! (For those of you who've been, it's very similar to the AWP, except without the writing advice.)

And let me tell you, you people, independent publishers put out, by far, the most interesting books! And you should also keep in mind that your friends and neighbors are more likely to be picked up by independent publishers and sold like hotcakes at independent bookstores, because these are the outlets who care about we, the people!

Anyway, that was a fun time and I ran into some people I knew and I felt like a literary insider. . .


Okay, all you queens (I picked that saying up from my yoga teacher), my baked potato is just about done, and I have carrots to steam and mushrooms & spinach & tomatoes to sauteee. . .

I'll talk to you soon, I hope. Sorry about the unedited & therefore poorly-written post. If you catch me in a few days, this might be revised a bit and in better shape for readin'.


Blogger josh williams said...

My kingdom for a poorly edited post this clean...Good to hear from you.

Dictated to the keys but not read


9:44 PM

Blogger ing said...

Josh! Hi there, old sailor-man! Why aren't you in bed, snoring away?

Oh, wait, I think I hear something off in the distance. . .

9:55 PM

Blogger purplesimon said...

purplesimon has scanned, but not read. purplesimon will read later. purplesimon promises.

purplesimon out...

3:45 AM

Blogger wisdomstuff said...

Your food sounds wonderful. I've suddenly become hungry.

12:47 PM

Blogger ginab said...

although the appearance of those shoes hurt my feet here, and I am pleased you did not wear them literally to anywhere including to NCIBA, I am lathered up you went to NCIBA!

Yeah!!! I want to pinch myself, say "hey useless stranger, I know someone attended N-C-I-B-A!" and ('f-U!' and 'so there!').

Not sure why people cannot do things for themselves or at least help. If I no-can-do then, well, it's not done. So on the flipside me es macha too. Because...there's plenty I have done and do. Which is why I don't understand those who do not (do).

NCIBA!!! yeah!

The shoes do hurt my feet.

Get some sleep.


PS: I'm trying to plan something with A for Jan.

2:09 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

How can I snore if my snore glands were removed and sold to a billionaire when I was a wee lad, you know this dark secret, why do you keep....nevermind. JWW

8:23 PM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Ah, I've been back and read. Every word. I didn't skip any.

Green sounds better than yellow, I have to say. Not knowing what shade/tint of pink it's hard to tell how it looks, but if it's tidy and cut in like I'm sure you've done (and you said you had - see, I did read it) then it'll look stunning. I'll probably pop along to Matty's blog to see if he's posted pics.

So pleased you went to the NCIBA. I love those kind of events and I try to attend as many as I can through work. Networking they call it - free lunch/evening drinks I call it.

As for IKEA furniture - I'm sure one day you'll be able to do a postgrad course in IKEA instructions. But, hey, they're damn cheap and they don't look it, but the experience of the shop makes me shake whenever I'm thinking of going there. I've lost days in there. Whole days. The lack of windows, though, is it the same the world over or does your IKEAs (as in America's IKEAs, not literally yours) have windows?

Okay, I'm spouting shit. Time to stop commenting.

I'm off to rewrite some old stories, try to make them better. And listen to the new Beirut album again. And the new Lou Rhodes album (check her out, she used to be in a band called Lamb). The joy of music, it never wanes.

purplesimon out...

4:49 AM

Blogger matty said...

Ing! The paint job is exceptional! Still don't know how you did it all in those hot green heels, but did it you did!

I've pictures and shall be posting an update to show the new O-town pad in all it's glory!

I do so like the green B picked out. Maybe the neon yellow did create a bad 80's corner -- but I strive for a home where the likes of Kylie, Judd and Molly could feel at ease!

Britney sends her love. Well, actually she is muttering something about wanting to be given more and -- I think she is calling me a 'bitch' but I'm not quite sure.

My head hurts.

My phone is broken.

Oh, and two thug-ish boyzzz tried to "roll" me --- or some such. As per usual -- my big mouth kicked in before my brain. In my most "butch" voice I told them to bring it on and then advised them to do something to themselves which was probably not very polite. Anyway, it worked.

They turned and ran back across the street. I walked home with my iPod, wallet and person all in good condition. Well, the condition to which is me and mine.

...and, then I saw both these boyzzz this morning and they nod'd to me as I walked past them. ???? Hmmmm... Am I respected or a target?

Hey! I don't need to create a new post to my site as this "comment" takes it's place.

Hey! You failed to mention the incredible bar-b-q meal to which I treated you as you worked the paint in heels!!!

...I miss the castro.

...I miss all those queens.

12:32 PM

Blogger Ahvarahn said...

usually when i go to do something practical with tools, as if to stoke my frustration, i find the toolbox in a state of desertion, or at best entertaining a sole occupant, the orange-head phillips, panging the loss of the reversible bit. most jobs i end up finishing with the aid of a kitchen knife. i think tools should have the same shrieking-finder-bleeper as cordless phones.

i like that ikea are using me as their model in assembly diagrams (the illustration in your post with the big ‘x’ through it is especially me)

be well, be lucky,

3:09 AM

Blogger matty said...

i'm quite jealous of your dreams!




1:24 PM

Blogger sage said...

Pooped sounds familar... as for those green shoes, they'd go well on a pink ladder... I'm just glad I don't have to wear 'em. I better go fix dinner

3:54 PM

Blogger ing said...


This is the most boring post ever, so if I were Purps, I would scan, too. . . zzzzzz. Me and my life. Look, everyone! This is what I did this weekend with all the people you might not even know! Yow!



Do owls eat carrots?



Oh, my dear ginab. I have shoes that look much more painful than the green ones depicted. I wore them once, last Christmas. They're so cute, but ouch!

The NCIBA was interesting, but it's no cooler than those things you go to in DC, except you get a trip and hotel out of the whole thing. Odd, though, how my job gets more and more interesting the more I learn about it. The media is fickle, and what with all these neat new websites. . . This Miro place is kind of neat. I just downloaded the app & you can watch & post videos for free. . . just thinking about how it could be a publicity tool, if only I knew how people make computer movies. Hmmm.

I have to do things too. Like my taxes. But I'm not. Maybe tomorrow. I have The Last Chicken in America to read. It reminds me of David Bezmogis, who wrote Natasha & Other Stories (great collection!).




Yeah, I know about the "snore glands" and their "removal." I think the surgeon should be sued. There's a reason we continue to have earthquakes and tremors here in SF, and I don't think it's climate change!

Hey, guess who just won the Nobel Peace Prize! Thassss right! Woo!


Oh, poor Purps:

You did not have to do that. If you ever want to skip and comment, that's okay by me, you know.

I didn't get any free drinks or lunch; just a temporary badge. But I suppose I networked a little. It made me feel kind of puffed-up and important, which is always neat. But it wasn't as good as the dream I had last night. I went to camp for two days and on the first day I totally made out with Crispin Glover! That was nice, but on the second night I hooked up with Brad Pitt (who's not my type, normally) and we made out, and he's a really good kisser, did you know? AND he was in love with me! It was so great, and it went on for a whole day! I bragged (in the dream) to everyone about how I'd made out with Crispin and then Brad!

I read that it was a sign of idiocy to use lots of exclamation points. My writing has sloughed off.

Oh lordy, how I hate being at IKEA! When you enter the store it's a dreamland, but after 20 minutes trying to hang on to the little golf pencil & the big yellow bag, it's a nightmare. I hate it so very much. though I do like their lingonberry juice & the little potatoes.

I have the new Beirut, too. It's great, though I don't think Matty liked it very much. I'll check out Lou Rhodes.



I think Kylie would love your home, but I don't think she'd be happy with all the Britney & Goldfrapp. Too much competition, you know? It's a nice space to work out in, though, and I think she works out a lot.

The bar-b-que we bought at the West Oakland Station was amazing! Beans, greens, and something smeared with a whole bunch of sauce. Very southern, I imagine. I never eat stuff like that, but it was so good! Thanks for treating me. If I ever get the chance again, I will make you an ambrosia salad with sprite and maraschino cherries and dried coconut and fruit cocktail, just like your mom used to make.

I hope what you did with the boyzzzzz was the right thing. It sounds promising, like you sort of staked your claim or claimed your turf or whatever kidz do these days. Maybe you set the boundaries? As you know, I suck at that. But if you set them right away, it works out. You're now one of the boyz in the hood, maybe. But why don't you rent one of those bike lockers at the BART station (only $5 a month!) & use your bike. You could get a little basket for Bagel.

What flavor is Bagel, by the way? Sesame? Plain?



I rarely use tools anymore, but I sure love having the chance to!

And yes, I lost the flathead bit & only have the phillips. I have lots of other tools, but I keep them in a bag, here in my place. The tools I left in the car are just torque wrenches & those hand wrenches. Not that I'd know what to do with them. I'm afraid I haven't changed a tire since I was in my twenties & wouldn't know at this point. So dumb!

I did end up prying off the lid of a paint can with a metal shelf support last weekend, if that makes you feel better. I've avoided the kitchen knives because of my awsome leatherman tool, which I keep right on top of my doorbell speaker. It's my favorite thing!



Obviously, you favor Crispin. I did too, until I had me some Brad. I mean it, he's an amazing kisser, and not pock-mark'd at all!



Some day, some way, you'll have to wear those green shoes. There's no avoiding it. They look great when you're fixing dinner. Just wear the right apron, and you're set.

9:36 PM

Blogger Salty Sailor said...

seems to me like all you do is D-I-Y for your pals! You should start charging them for painting and building!

10:03 AM

Blogger ing said...


Yessss, welllll, I'm keeping a mental account and I will cash in, bigtime! My birthday (29th) is coming at the end of November, and I expect cake, presents, emotional bondage experiments, hot (straight) men, and a good spanking.

Ahhh, I can't wait! I'm going to have the best birthday ever! Everybody gather 'round for my birthday!

2:28 PM

Blogger ginab said...


was great to hear you. I am swamped tonight and a little angry. I need to refocus, rechannel, fail to care I suppose that five students did not hand in an essay.

who am I? a wood bass? I wish I were a wood bass. I'd wear those shoes.


2:33 PM

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Could you and your rack fly to Jersey this spring to help me paint my as-yet-unpurchased new abode?

Thank you in advance.

6:43 PM

Blogger matty said...

I think Bagel must be spicy and a bit saucy -- tho, she seems to really love children.

We took her to a pet supply store last night to get one of those carrying things you can use on BART/MUNI and it was like we were Britney on a club run.

Are you still pooped?

10:52 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

A bit late I think but a great way to clean your paint brush is to mix 1/2 cup of liquid fabric softener with a gallon of your brush around for ten seconds and then rinse it off say 3 to 6 seconds and she is as good as new!Should have mentioned it sooner I suppose...Me best JW

8:20 PM

Blogger Ren said...

Wow! You did all that? I can see why you're pooped. POOOOOOOOPED.

5:38 AM

Blogger purplesimon said...

Come here and then not read! Are you mad? That's tantamount to ignoring someone! Never. I like reading about your life, it makes me feel bad about not doing enough myself. Like writing, reading, yoga, etc. I don't have any energy at the moment. I know not why that is.

Actually, I've been re-drafting. So, not all lazing about getting stoned.

On holiday next week. A time to relax with the wife and daughter, visit the seaside and get drunk without worrying too much about working through the hangover. A week of bliss. Might even do some wordsmithery.

Can't wait for the next post!

purplesimon out...

7:43 AM

Blogger matty said...

Are you still poop'd?

I need to find a place to hang you and Miss S' work of art in honor to the memory of Mrs. Palfrey. I think B wants to frame it.

6:55 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

Are you pooped or pooping? Either post or get off the pot...My best JWW

6:50 PM

Blogger Ticharu said...

I have two aunties who live in Oakland and a whole slew of cousins I've never met who live in California. Just thought I'd throw that out... must be the paint fumes!

5:18 AM

Blogger ginab said...

I wonder why we as a species never say that we're peed? Sure, we say "pee'ode" but to mean "pooped but only peed" is what I mean. Why don't we say "peed" in that vain?


6:41 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

This just in NEW DELHI, India (AP) -- Wild monkeys attacked a senior government official who then fell from a balcony at his home and died Sunday

3:28 PM

Blogger ing said...


Ahhhh, students! As you know, I no longer teach. But I never understood why students failed to turn things in, and I was even more mystified when the (obvious?) consequences made them angry at me. It's a letdown, for sure, but keep in mind that despite what the Republicans — and some students — would like us to think, half of the responsibility for a good education lies with the students. And since I know how you teach, I figure you've got some students who aren't keeping up their side of the bargain. Try not to let the few weigh you down. A few can really damage your ability to teach, and that's not fair to the class as a whole. Bummer. I couldn't do it, myself. Keep your chin up. You and I were the kind of students who turned everything in, and turned it in on time. Which was why we got to be teachers. Some find it rewarding, I guess. I didn't. Not overall. But there were moments. It's so tough to figure out what to do when the students don't want to be there. A 19-year-old isn't really ready.



I'm afraid that my rack might wiegh down the plane, but I'll book a seat on the next train out.



Today I am pooped, yes. But I think my hard work is starting to pay off! Whew!

If your dog likes children, you have a good one. Children are unpredictable, and small dogs are delicate. Keep introducing Bagel to kids & she'll remember that she likes them. A dog that isn't afraid of things is the best kind of dog to have. Can't wait to meet her.



Good tip! Fabric softener sounds a lot better than paint thinner. I used to have fancy-shmancy brushes that I'd take really good care of & store in their original boxes. That was back when I was a homeowner. Now. . . Well, now I rent & have no need for brushes. It's sad. Need to keep saving, I guess.



Always pooped. Always. Tonight I'll hit the sack early, though, because tomorrow I plan to ACHIEVE!



Thanks for not ignoring me! I love the attention, I do. I'm low on energy myself and some weeks, the yoga (and the writing) falls by the wayside. But not tomorrow. Tomorrow will be youg-riffic, and damn if I don't at least write a prose poem.

Hope you had a great vacation. I'm taking one next month, for my birthday. Even if I wind up doing nothing, I plan to enjoy some peace and quiet!

Next post coming up tonight, if all goes well. . .


Yo, tich:

Why don't you and the family visit the aunties, hmmmmmm? I'd love to meet the famous Ticharu! Do the aunties have lovely red hair, too? And victory gardens? And musical talent?



I'll let you know when I'm sufficiently pissed. (Just kidding.)



Holy cow, you think I can use that news hook in my next press release?! Surely there's a way to tie it in to the latest trend in nutrition and diet. Or did you already use that pitch yourself?

Let me know. I need to impress my bosses!

6:30 PM


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