This blog is welcome to anyone and everyone, regardless of race, class, gender, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. Unless you don't like writing short stories or smelling bear. Or if you voted for the other guy. Also, I don't really like it when you leave up the toilet seat, so could you stop doing that? Muchas, muchas gracias.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Biggest Kanakas in Hawaii II

Okelani's twin brothers, two robust young men, were the biggest kanakas in Hawaii. The sum of their biceps' circumferences ran a foot shy of a Malibu longboard. But Okelani Alii, a dainty young thing, was slight as a stalk of sugarcane.

When Okelani was twelve her breasts matched her body, two sunny-sides-up on a tray. But within three years they sprouted, then flourished, then ripened to full-blown casabas. Once she reached her feminine peak, the biggest kanakas in H-land vowed every young kane, kanaka or haole, would keep off their guileless sibling. So they shadowed their sister wherever she went -- across valleys and fields, under Manoa falls, and down to the pounding Pacific; over ridges and peaks and through coconut groves. Then at nightfall they tucked her in bed.

Okelani grew tired of her kanaka jailors and yearned to make love with a kane, but the leers she received from prospective mates lost their heat in proportion to distance. Remoteness depressed her and out of sheer longing she lost interest in leaving her house. At last the poor girl simply rested in bed, snacking on bits of jin dui. In time her figure plumped to a shape that resembled a very ripe pineapple. Minus the scaffold of her slender frame, Okelani's silhouette was less wondrous; she matured from an aberration of nature to a stately and full-grown wahine. And as a result the Alii twins stopped dogging their beautiful sister.

But since the kanakas had, for a time, trekked miles of arduous trails, Okelani's twin escorts slimmed down to stick-men (if stick-men pumped lots of iron). Though remaining the island's most strapping kanakas, they no longer prevailed as the biggest. And soon, the boldest and bravest kanes ventured out from behind their binoculars.

Not one kanaka can tell you today who fathered Okelani's twin keiki boys. But the Alii clan secretly hopes they'll outgrow their great big kanaka uncles.


Blogger Bonfire Jones said...

Nice Pineaples! Your blog has a nice vibe to it. Just wanted to let you know that I've updated my Imprint Memories Blog.

Please stop by & check it out!

Thanks, Ed

12:06 PM

Blogger JackJumpedOverTheMoon said...


My grandfather has a tape of Children's Nursery Rhymes in Pidgeon English from Hawaii. It's really funny, once you can understand what they are saying.

Actually, I thought Kanakas was a place in Hawaii... so I guess I was close.

Okay, maybe not really. :p


12:53 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

I cried , I laughed, I wet myself I even...neff said. Great story. I liked the boob part best. Three Thumbs Up!

1:21 PM

Blogger jungle jane said...

I reckon the father is the milkman. Am I right? Am i right?

3:41 PM

Blogger ginab said...

Neat de-flowering. Only the largest boobs can get away with such a lark. "Good on her", I say.

3:52 PM

Blogger matty said...

OK, that was really a very cool story!

9:05 PM

Blogger ing said...


I'm so glad you like my pineapples, but please stop staring.


Yeah, I liked the work "kanakas" because it's fun to say aloud and has a nice rhythm.



Junglee Girl:

You're wise to the ways of all poorly-realized plots & are probably right (though I don't know, myself).


We would know, wouldn't we, Pointer Sister?

9:10 PM

Blogger ing said...

Oh, Matt:

Hush up, it is not! (But thanks!)

9:12 PM

Blogger Karen Little said...

A-HA! It's amazing how after several million years of evolution, a pair of jugs can still inspire prose... :) Cool story - made me laugh.

11:03 PM

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed doesnt understand any of this

6:22 AM

Blogger Chuck Dawson said...

Lou Reed is back!
Chuck Dawson has missed Lou Reed.

6:56 AM

Blogger lryicsgrl said...


I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

Good story. Great build up. (wink wink)

8:48 AM

Blogger ing said...


Sad, isn't it?

Mr. Reed:

Sorry, sir.

9:27 AM

Blogger ing said...


Thanks for the announcement, announcer.

9:29 AM

Blogger josh williams said...

My girlfriends cats breath smells like catfood I was told by a friend I do not have a good sense of smell so how would I know? I try to write run on sentences because one of my favorite writers that I do not read was William Faulkner and he was the king of lack of periods and such so I am writing just like him but I am adding spaces and such instead of periods commas hysterics and colostomys space
i will stop with capital ledderz 2

9:47 PM

Blogger ing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:06 AM

Blogger ing said...

Josh, hon, Faulkner wrote LONG sentences. He did not, however, eschew punctuation unless he had a very particular reason to do so. Do you suppose he was imitating you?

If you want to read a really cool sentence, Lydia Davis wrote a story called "This Condition" that's one sentence long. It's included in a collection called Almost No Memory.

1:14 AM

Blogger Chuck Dawson said...

Is this better?

9:31 AM

Blogger ing said...

Chuck, you shaved the 'stache! Looking good, my friend.

Bear with me, here, Chuck. You're going to bloom, slowly, like the beautiful flower you know you are.

9:43 AM

Blogger Chuck Dawson said...

I fluffed the mullet too!
Did you notice?

11:31 AM

Blogger lryicsgrl said...

What a good student of the world you are. You get exta credit for the assignment on my blog!

Have a Happy Holiday.

I'm glad we met. Nice to know the world IS filled with good souls!


1:22 PM

Blogger lryicsgrl said...

um, I meant EXTRA!

1:23 PM

Blogger ing said...


Hope it worked -- .


Yes, I noticed, and you look spectacular.

1:38 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

Come to think of it Faulkner was who imitating me, he really didn’t have a mind of his own, he would just follow me around and say things like. "Say that smart thing you said" or " You’re so smart I bet you could be President of Ford" stuff like that. I kinda really felt sorry for the old sot.

1:50 PM

Blogger ing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:15 PM

Blogger ing said...

He must have been taking notes, Josh, as after carefully reading your book reviews I could tell that Faulkner was being a little derivative.

2:18 PM

Blogger josh williams said...

Thanks for pointing this out, he had me duped. JW
I have not been posting much on my blog, I've me brain deep in a very important review, which book? That I will determine later I work best under a deadline.

10:10 AM


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