Gary Coleman My Future

I once had this vivid dream I was dating Gary Coleman. For those who don't know him, he played Arnold Drummond on this eighties sitcom called Diff'rent Strokes. Coleman's character Arnold was a kid from Harlem adopted -- along with his older brother Willis -- by a caucasian millionaire. Mr. Coleman ran for governor of California in 2003. On October 7th of that same year, he was beaten soundly by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mr. Coleman, who suffers from some variation of dwarfism, now does commercials for loan companies.

In the dream, I was sitting on a living room couch next to Gary Coleman. We were in my parents' parlor, or at least I understood that we were. This parlor didn't look like any room from my childhood, but it resembled those places: nondescript, quiet, and humbly furnished. My parents were relaxing in matching easy chairs, approvingly watching the two of us, Gary Coleman and me. Because my parents so obviously approved, I was trying very hard to love Mr. Coleman. But I wasn't feelin' it.

Gary Coleman was trying very hard to court me, holding my hands and plying me with small talk. He offered to have his friend, an underwear designer, make me some panties as some sort of engagement present. While he made this proposal, my parents nodded encouragingly. Then he gave me a box wrapped in gold foil paper, tied with a silver gossamer bow. I untied, ripped, and inside the box I found a pair of hideous panties made of snakeskin, leopard, tiger, and all manner of animal skins, awkwardly patched together. As my parents watched, I gave Gary Coleman a big hug & again tried very hard to love him. I remember thinking that maybe I could do it, in time. And then I thought, no, no I can't. Not ever.