* I Smell Bear

What to Expect

2011-07-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

The real miscarriage is what the books don’t tell you. And you won’t hear it when you’re on a table staring at your ultrasound, no modesty regarding what-all’s hanging out the front of your paper shirt, which you're wearing backwards anyway. But then again, maybe it will be different for you. Maybe it’s different for each woman.What could happen is, your doctor will frown and explain what’s not

A Life Less Interesting

2011-03-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

This year, I made a huge and perhaps irrevocable decision to study medicine. I did this because for too long I've felt that my identity has been up for grabs, so now, for the first time in my life, I mean to choose something, and to pursue it, and to stop acting as though my identity is so precious and fragile and unique that I can't just decide on some path and then follow it.It hasn't been easy

Blech

2010-07-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

Just, blech. And yet, it's a beautiful day. It's time to make some changes.

This Week

2010-06-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Kindergarten, grade school, junior high, high school. Beneath desks, between tables, curled up on the bus. Center front in school portraits, center forward in soccer, fastest sprinter in the game but too often mowed down. This week, though I'm much more substantial, I find that I speak too quietly, and too infrequently. Just this week, I lost four pounds.

Boss

2010-06-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

She didn't liked to be bossed, and that was why she was extra-careful not to boss. Which sometimes led to trouble because though she would never say what she wanted, she would try to get it nevertheless through a kind of sign language, through telepathy. And when she did not get it, she grew to be perfectly contented with what she was getting, which, without having been properly articulated, was

The Slap, by Christopher Tsiolkas

2010-06-04T10:02:00.001-07:00

Chirstopher Tsiolkas'sThe Slap just gets better and better until the final pages, which are fantastic! So often I quit reading novels when I get to the ending, because so many books with promising openings lose their momentum about halfway through. The Slap is worth reading for its simple premise (a man slaps a kid who is not his own at a suburban picnic), and it's structure - it's told from the

Insomnia

2010-06-04T01:35:00.000-07:00

again - and I suppose I COULD work on my play, but instead, here I am. I guess I'd rather feel as though I'm addressing someone who's kind of like me. I mean, even though I go to many, many plays, I don't think of the playgoing audience as mine - not necessarily. My audience might just as soon see a movie or go bowling or plant some tomatoes.

Well, I COULD talk about

2010-05-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

dating here, but my rule is that I will not talk about dating here and I will save that for the book I'm writing, which means that right now I have nothing more interesting to report than that afterwards I talked to some of my friends and god I'm so glad I have friends, I can't tell you. Thank you, friends!!

Oh god I cut my hair

2010-05-28T15:01:00.001-07:00

and now I look like a middle-aged woman. Which I am. Middle-aged. But why does middle-age have to look so much like my mother?!?!

I wil, Ginab

2010-05-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

I'll start leaving stuff here. I just have to be careful to dedicate most of my energy to my playwriting, and to the book I'm writing. But here I could warm up, and here I could leave excerpts, and here I could write about other things. Yes?

2010-01-29T09:49:00.000-08:00

Free, downloadable resources for Haiti at http://tinyurl.com/5t3jqe, including• Where There Is No Doctor in Creole• Where Women Have No Doctor in Creole• Sanitation and Cleanliness for a Healthy Environment in Creole and French• Water for Life: Community Water Security in French• Cholera Prevention Factsheet in Englishand many more

2010-01-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

To the woman who almost killed me tonight

2009-08-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

In a garden neighborhood in this small quiet town, on a warm night full of bikes and pedestrians, I was riding home on my bike, listening to my chain squeak and feeling sorry for myself. Woman, when you barreled through that stop sign I figured you were on drugs or something because stop sign or no, you were going too fast. You did screech to a stop just in time, and I am so grateful. Your window

I Need Some Space!

2008-11-20T15:05:00.000-08:00

I'm going to focus on finding a job and preparing for interviews and writing, so I may disappear for a while. But I'll be back, and when I return, I'll be better than ever! I thank you for understanding that I need some space, and that I don't mean to be less than generous right now. xo

Men Without Shirts!!!

2008-11-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

Today was the ultimate perfect best day ever! If only it were my birthday as well, I think I'd be dead now.I woke up this morning just on time to meet someone for a tennis game at Buena Vista Park, just down the street. It was already warm out at 8:30 in the morning, and so many people were out walking their dogs. I got to the courts and sat on a rock wall while I waited for my partner, watching

I'm Off To Play Me Some Tennis

2008-11-13T07:39:00.000-08:00

That's right, suckas, It's Thursday morning, which, when you're unemployed, is like any Saturday morning, except quieter. After tennis I have a phone interview, then a doctor's appointment, then I'll have a few hours to look for a job.Matty's birthday has happened, but we're going to celebrate on Sunday. Every day in November counts as Matty's birthday.

Happy Birthday, Matty!!!!!!

2008-11-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

Today Matty is just a little bit older than me, as he will always be, no matter how many birthdays he amasses, a sparkling pile of years that collect like grains of sand in the bottom of a very large hourglass. Still spry despite time's ravages, Matty has escaped the toll that the decades can take and I only hope that I fare just as well as he has. I've always looked up to Matty as a sort of

Yesterday

2008-11-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

I went for an extra-long run. I passed this group of possibly homeless people (they had sleeping rolls & shopping carts). As I jogged by, one asked me something inappropriate & insulting (clue: it had to do with the fact that he's a man and I'm a woman). I ran on for about 50 feet, but the question kept ringing in my ears, and with every step I got angrier and angrier. I mean, I've done this so

Balls! Big, Hairy, Sweaty Balls!

2008-11-07T22:01:00.000-08:00

I was this close -> <- to landing a job at Stanford University Press. . . I'd been through three interviews, and though they gave me that depressing story about me being "overqualified," I think I managed to convince them that though I'm super educated and though I can write, that doesn't make me overqualified to publicize books. I was told that I was one of the top candidates and that I'd be

This Is My Favorite Scene from The American Astronaut

2008-10-30T17:15:00.000-07:00

I watched it this afternoon, and while the plot is too unresolved and the crazy professor narrator seems kind of one-dimensional, this movie is visually quite stunning, and the director/writer/star, Cory McAbee, did a great job of marrying image to sound in this interesting little film, which I think borrows a bit from David Lynch and Sam Shepard. There's this bit about how the narrator can't

Dilemma

2008-10-25T23:48:00.000-07:00

On Friday I woke early. I went running, and then I rode my bike to Matty's place. After talking for a bit, we walked his dog to the Sutro Baths and sat on a wall. It was so warm out we didn't need jackets, and for the first time in a long while I realized that being alone is kind of great. I like forging ahead without having to accommodate anyone else. Even though lately things have been less

How to Walk From Our House to The White House

2008-10-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

Use caution – This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths.Walking directions to US Executive Mansion2,864 mi – about 39 days 2 hours xxx Belvedere StSan Francisco, CA 941171. Head south on Belvedere St toward Frederick St 404 ft2. Turn right at Frederick St 315 ft3. Turn left at Cole St 0.1 mi4. Turn right at Parnassus Ave 0.4 mi5. Slight left to stay on Parnassus Ave 0.3 mi6.

Indignity

2008-10-16T14:43:00.001-07:00

Indignity #1I was let go and I lost my job. Bleah.Indignity #2Last night I was walking up Haight street when I passed a young guy who was holding a cardboard sign that said "I bet you a dollar you will read this sign." Though I sometimes give a dollar to a young woman who sings, I didn't hand the man my money. I passed him, and when I passed something sharp struck me in the middle of my back. It

Wanna Join My Commune?

2008-10-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

My housemate is in the midst of securing a place for her elderly mother. Which got me to thinking.When those of us who are between 30 and 50 years old, those many of us who don't have children — when we turn 70, we'll need to face those years with courage. I looked at this site called The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. They say 6 million people today have late-life depression, but only

Wanna Get High?

2008-10-10T21:10:00.001-07:00

Then go running in the panhandle, where you'll pass through cloud after cloud of pot smoke. Which, for people like me who don't get that endorphin rush, that so-called "runner's high" that's supposed to be so great? I guess the secondhand high is a substitute feeling. But man, I really wish that people wouldn't smoke anything next to the path. Because you know, when I'm running as hard as I can,

San Francisco

2008-10-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Isn't really a very friendly place. I've made a few friends here, and most of them, I've lost. Don't know why, really. I'm kind to everyone I know, and I've always been fairly helpful, and I try to look nice, too. And overall, I'm pretty smart. But maybe I'm not generous enough. Or maybe I don't have enough to give, is what I mean.I wish the world was smaller. I feel really insignificant

This Weekend I Saw Bonnie "Prince" Billy TWICE!!!

2008-10-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

* But for those who don't have the patience to read as I go on and on about Will Oldham, I want to slip in a link to this great article by Steven Millhauser, about the difference between the short story and the novel. OK! So the first time I saw Will Oldham was on Friday. A very nice friend of mine found tickets to a sold-out show at the Swedish American Hall. The interior of the Swedish American

A Political Rant, By Ingrid

2008-10-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

First, I apologize to you if your views don't match mine. I don't want to argue right now. I just want to rant.SO, I hear tell that some voters don't like Barack Obama because he speaks like an "intellectual." They feel he's talking down to them. If you are one of those people, I have some news. Barack Obama isn't talking specifically to you. He cannot see you through the television screen! You,

If Only I Were A Housecat, Or A Five-Year-Old Child; If Only I Could Go Fishing And Bathe In Rivers, Like I Used To. . .

2008-10-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past few days here in my room, scanning the want ads for jobs. So far, it doesn't look too promising – I can either donate my few remaining & withered eggs, or I might offer my services as a person who works on commission assisting people who assist small businesses to become bigger via their corporate interface startup program. Soon, perhaps, Alaska will need a new governor, and

But Why, If I'm Running 3 Miles A Day, Am I Not Losing Weight?

2008-09-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, looking for a job takes a lot of time! I feel like I'm working just as hard at applying for things as I did at my full-time job! And then there's all the paperwork involved with being unemployed, the COBRA insurance, the lapsing 401k. . . and, of course, my ex-employer made an error that I will have to straighten out over the phone. I'm discovering that a few of the jobs being advertised are

I just dropped off my family

2008-09-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

at the BART station, after a three-day visit. It (the visit) was almost more than I could handle, as my family's criticisms cut very deep. The thing is, I'd rather be happy than wealthy. I'd rather spend ten dollars at an independent bookstore than five for the same thing at a chain. I spoil myself in certain ways because I like to feel pretty. But ultimately, as long as I have food, friends, and

Haight Ashbury Unemployment Prayer September 2008

2008-09-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

I don't enjoy talking to most people about politics. When people get emotional about a candidate or an issue their speech becomes illogical, flecked with untested opinions and hateful caricature. If we listened as much as we spoke, this life could be everything. And this life is all that we have.* * *Quotes for Today"Adversity introduces a person to himself." — Epictetus"When I do good, I

Bummer

2008-09-18T09:43:00.001-07:00

I applied for a job on craigslist because I really loved the way the ad was written. I thought I could do this job, and just from the sound of the ad, I figured I would enjoy working at this place - it sounded like a fun office, full of neat people. I received the following response - it's very sweet, I know, but it's also kind of a bummer - there really aren't many jobs out there for us

Sarah Palin Can See Russia From Her Home

2008-09-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

I don't have a TV, and because of this I often feel very out of touch - it seems like most people I talk to make references to shows and actors with whom I'm not at all familiar. For the most part, I'm happy that I don't watch TV - but I do miss seeing the Olympics, and I always used to love watching Saturday Night Live. I'm off to the doctor's, and I'm terrified that they will find something

Writer David Foster Wallace found dead at home

2008-09-14T10:19:00.000-07:00

Oh my god. I'm so sad about this. What the . . .

Have You Ever Been In

2008-09-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

a situation where something bad happened to you and you wound up having to console the people around you because you realize that the bad thing that happened to you is affecting them, in that they wind up simultaneously worrying about you and feeling guilty that the bad thing didn't happen to them, but to you? And maybe you start to realize that the bad thing doesn't really affect others at all

Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen's Latest Film, Is

2008-09-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

a) a brilliant and subtle comment on how flat, vague, and remote we are, despite (or maybe because of) our ability to travel, observe, create, and socializeb) a flat, vague movie written and acted with too much removeAnswer: _________________________In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, two friends — Christina (Scarlet Johansson) and Vicky (Rebecca Hall) — fly to Barcelona for a couple of months so that

WHY??? WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?

2008-09-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like I'm going to have all the time in the world to write - my resume! I was laid off today. It's going to be okay, but to be perfectly honest, I'm scared. Yesterday I got my hair cut, and I'm not too fond of how it looks, though I guess it's a professional haircut. To my way of thinking it's a bit severe and old-ladyish, but okay, maybe it's a good "job interview" cut. I don't

4 Paragraphs of Procrastination

2008-09-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today I wrote a long list of the things I thought I should do. So far, I've done about half of those things, and I'm grouchy lately, because I want to write stories. Right now at work I'm preparing to publicize this new book about writing exercises and the writing life. The bitter, bitter irony is that right now, more than anything in the entire world, I want to have time to write fiction (along

Ach, I'm Rushing

2008-08-29T06:37:00.000-07:00

Because my internet connection has been wonky and I have mere moments of working connectedness in which to post and I need to get ready for work! But yesterday was a great day! I had my first "business lunch" with a very cool editor from Yoga Journal in downtown San Francisco, and it was gorgeous and hot and I ate sauteed mussels. Then I returned to work to find out that one of the books I'm

Criminal

2008-08-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's going on with me lately, but today I felt so sharp and alert. At the same time, I'm really impatient and so many of the things I do feel like a waste of time. I guess what I mean is, I have all this creative energy, but all these little incidentals keep robbing me of my spare time.I am dying for time off and freedom from obligation. I'm absolutely dying to use my mind for my

Look, Look What Ginab Sent Me In The Mail!!

2008-08-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

New pink rubber gloves, for washing dishes! Aren't they pretty?Except, I have a date tonight. And now my hands smell like rubber. This guy doesn't seem like the rubber-glove-fetishist type, but you never know. My final improv class is this Sunday. I'm considering signing up for the next round, since I enjoyed the first one so much. Work is work, and it's not really satisfying my creative impulses

Once again

2008-08-10T17:42:00.000-07:00

it's Sunday, and I am shocked. Just last week my improv teacher had a head of thick, gorgeous, silver hair. This week, however, his hair was black. What happened? I didn't ask. Maybe he'd dyed it in service or a role, or maybe he's trying to look younger. Either way, it was jarring.Still, I recovered and had the best improv class ever because we got to practice beginning a scene, which was very

Yay!

2008-08-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

This morning I got up at 7:00 SHARP and went on a cleaning frenzy!! My car is clean, I've finished unpacking, I've found my Garner's Usage Dictionary, and I've set up my desk! (I'll post pictures later). My place is sooooo great!Off I go to the bookstore. . .

Anyway,

2008-08-01T22:32:00.000-07:00

(Sigh.)I have to say, my friends, I really don't like my own prose. Gack!And then sometimes, I wonder if what I say will ever make sense to anyone else. Garg!

A Long, Pointless Story About Unpleasant Encounters That Takes Place On A Sunday Which, For Some Reason, I Remember As A Decidedly Pleasant Day

2008-07-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

On Sunday the bus was so crowded that I had to stand pressed against strangers. Each of us vied for space on the overhead pole that passengers grab to avoid falling. The bus windows were all steamed up. Everyone wore too many layers. The bus lurched to a stop and while I fought to steady myself, three young men boarded. Most adults are careful to leave a certain amount of space, but the guy who

It's Easy To Like The Ones Who Bring Out The Best In Us

2008-07-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

I had my improv class today, and it's funny how just by staring into someone else's eyes while you and that other person take turns making up a story — by listening intently and building on what the other says — you can suddenly experience a strong liking for that person, and then it's easier to remember their name. In my class we're doing all kinds of exercises that are meant to get us to

David,

2008-07-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

you're reading this right now, aren't you?!? I see you! I see you reading my blog, David!

My Stupid Femininity

2008-07-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

Last night after work my housemate and I went to Zam Zam's, and we started talking about dating. Each of us has been doing lots of it, but neither of us can find someone who seems like they're going to stick, though we've been trying to keep the best ones around as friends. My housemate's experience is, I think, typical for men: most of the women he dates eventually wind up wanting something

Calming & Centering Via Inner Rage

2008-07-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

Isn't exercising supposed to make one more calm and more . . . uh . . . centered? Because on Monday I started exercising hardcore, and I don't think it's made me any nicer. In fact, I think I'm more of a jerk. This one yoga teacher of mine likes to begin each class with a "lesson" that she revisits thematically during the class. I suspect that she just barely remembers this theme until the very

Literary Makeovers

2008-07-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

Very early this morning, when I was in bed, my night-owl roommate sent me a link to a blog called Literary Makeovers!!! It appears the blog's author read this article about how Wordsworth Editions, a publisher that does inexpensive reprints of classic books, decided to photoshop Jan Austen's portrait to make her less dowdy.Here's the original portrait of Jane Austen:Here's the Wordsworth Editions

Back To The World

2008-06-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today (Friday) I'm sad. Gina is leaving.On Wednesday Gina and I made dinner for a gathering that included just a few of my favorite people. I wondered what it would be like to have them all around me at once. I guess at this point I'm creating a family in whatever way I can, if I can, and some of my friends live far away. But sometimes my heart feels like it could contain the ocean, there's so

Briefly,

2008-06-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

because I am plumb worn out, and very distracted: there are so many great little shops in my neighborhood, independent businesses owned by extremely nice people who know everything about the Haight. This weekend I've had a number of lovely conversations with complete strangers. Gina is here, and she, my roommates, Matty and B, and my quietest friend down in Berkeley - everyone's been so lovely to

WOW!

2008-06-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

Lately, my life has been the best life ever! I don't envy anyone. Not one person. I'm not an envious person in the first place, but things are going so well, I can hardly believe it. Yes, I know this could change at any moment. But I hope my days and nights keep going this way for just a while longer.Of course, I haven't unpacked a thing and I don't have any idea where my socks are.I got

I'm So Happy

2008-06-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

right now, and I think things are starting to look up. Whew! Finally! I had this dream the other night (I've dreamed it before), and I'm pretty sure it's a good-luck dream. In it, I have a baby. Which I don't think is something I've ever really wanted, but in the dream I feel so great. Sometimes I can't tell whether it's human or whether it's a kitten. Either way I gave birth to it, and I am

Man, I'm Tired

2008-06-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

of packing. I'm soooooo close! My apartment is full of boxes, coat hangers, dust bunnies, and papers. The moving truck shows up on Sunday, and I have yet to call the power company and my DSL provider and my parents back in Washington. I spent Saturday night at the new place with T, who's going to be a first-rate housemate. She made noodles. Yum. The other housemate, S, is sweet and considerate

Packing

2008-06-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, I own an iron. I even have a drill. No way! I found this great old purple sweater I'd sort of written off. It's a turtleneck my mom sent me (I look ghastly in turtlenecks). I have brass polish, for some reason, and a ton of candles, and incense. Wow. Does anyone living in the area know of an independently-owned place run by a really nice person who could use the business? I have a

I'm Cheating!

2008-06-02T17:46:00.001-07:00

Okay, I said I was going away for a while, but I dunno, now I feel like I'm cheating. I'm super busy right now - I'm moving in less than two weeks, and my favorite ginafriend is coming to visit for a week, and Matty is back in San Francisco, and then there's the extra shift at the bookstore - achtung, I have soooooo much to get done, and I don't mind it at all. I've signed up for an improv class

I'm Going Away

2008-06-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

for a little while, because right now I have a lot of loose ends to tie up. I hope things are going well! Bye!

So Everyone

2008-05-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today I found out for sure that I secured my new place. I'll finally have the room to set up my sewing machine, and I'll have a patch of ground in which to plant giant flowers, and space to set up a writing desk, and huge bay windows, and a little fireplace. Oh, a record player – this place has one! This is a strange transition. I'm about to shed something that needs shedding, and to create

Where I'm Headed

2008-05-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

Woah, woah, woah. Screeeeeeech (crunch). I've met a number of people since I left my wedding dress on a hanger and ran off to San Francisco. It's been confusing, because I think I know people, and so I create this schema to explain why they do what they do, and then they say or do something that doesn't quite fit the schema, and then they become different versions of the same people. Which stirs

Wildfires

2008-05-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

I had a long & interesting weekend. On Friday I fed some dear friends in Oakland, and I the next day at work I may have won someone over. A peripheral friend came in with a map and showed me the location of the Santa Cruz Mountain wildfire (the house I used to own is still safe). I met someone who might turn out to be a new friend, and I went for a walk with a friend whose company I enjoy very

I'm Not Dead Yet,

2008-05-19T17:33:00.000-07:00

and that is the good news. I'm looking on the bright side, and wow!But why, why am I so grateful to Jesus? To be honest, I am not grateful in the least. I am angry and bitter and full of pessimism and fear. Because this morning on the way back from the mechanic's, sporting an expensive new back bumper & taillight and so forth, guess what Jesus decided to do?!?!? He decided to get me in another

One Hour 'Til My Lunch Date

2008-05-18T11:13:00.000-07:00

On Friday, my coworker explained to me how if there was an emergency, she'd absolutely save her children and husband before she'd help anyone else. "Isn't that normal?" she asked me. "To favor your husband and family, the people you love the most?" I told her yes, that it's natural selection at work. If there's a meat shortage, I told her that I expect she and her loved ones will cannibalize me.

Four Kinds of Couplets

2008-05-16T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dunno why, but tonight I felt like writing couplets (or maybe I mean two-part poems), just for fun. It's been a long week. My mind is so tired. Sometimes I enjoy being all by myselfMy bulletin board, my shoes on their shelf These days I'm thinking about other people, Which makes them more difficult to understand. In some places, springtime announces itself; oaks in the valleys, snakes in the

Wouldn't It Be Great

2008-05-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

if everything could settle down for a year and we could all relax, go to work, come home, make food, read, sleep, get up, listen to music? Wouldn't it be nice to spend the weekends gardening and doing yoga stretches and writing and petting dogs? Sometimes we'd hang out with a friend, and sometimes we'd hang out with another friend, and sometimes we'd spend time alone, maybe drawing or making soup

Africa

2008-05-04T15:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke early to a muffled, ingratiating tune that drifted from across the hall, pounding at my door with wet oven mitts. Though I couldn't discern the lyrics, I could tell from the eager beat that the vocalist wore lots of makeup and wanted to help. Soft Christian rock, so precious it's lewd, at a time if day when all decent Christians are still in bed. I turtled my head under the

Our Chests Consistently Splendid

2008-04-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

Today my luck did a 180, and the cotton in which I am shitting is really super tall.Because this morning as I was headed down the front stairs to run to the BART station, I felt something cold fall down my collar, and then I discovered that a key had dropped into my shirt. Thinking maybe someone on a higher landing had dropped it, I examined the space above me, but all I saw was the clapboard

Cursed Sleep,

2008-04-26T00:43:00.000-07:00

does bad luck go on for seven years? Sheesh.I was in an accident tonight and my new car is no longer new. Damn. I thought I was scraping by, and this year so far has proven that shit continues to happen. My problem: I am way too idealistic and too romantic for these times. Life keeps beating me down. Nobody was hurt. I'm looking for a second job on the weekends - they might take me back at the

Jump-Rope Song For Middle-Aged Women

2008-04-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm glad I never had childrenbecause children grow up and make their moms sadbut sometimes I'm sad I never had childrenand watched them grow up and had my heart brokenA child, in my mind, is an experience we can miss without having, like losing a buttonthat's just been sewn onSometimes I wish that I'd been more carefulbecause if I were carefulI wouldn't have childrenlately I've loved

Vetiver Vetiver Vetiver!

2008-04-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

I spent most of this weekend in bed with a cold, and while it's always good to rest, I hate knowing that my precious weekend is just about over. I should put more effort into going out after work, but where is my stamina? It's Monday, and I took the day off. Yesterday I devoted a great big block of time to washing and moisturizing my face. I ate many salads and drank lots of juice. I even thought

Okay, Tell Me Honestly

2008-04-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Is my hand-to-chin pose WANKY?C'mon, you can tell me. I'm Richard Ford. The literary figure. I could destroy you. But I won't. Look, I thought the photographer captured me at a perfect moment, as I was deep in thought, lightly grasping my chin, puzzling over what kind of capers and hijinks my middle-aged realtor character would be up to next. . . maybe he could join the Peace Corps, or take his

This Story

2008-04-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

(click—>) gives me the urge to write! I've been reading The New Granta Book of the American Short Story (as if the original anthology wasn't fantastic enough),edited by the most handsome, dreeeeeeamy dreamboat, my future husband, Richard Ford.Richard Ford's introduction alone is worth the price of the anthology, though he continues to say that the novel is superior to the short story. . . Ah,

Tibet

2008-04-07T17:56:00.001-07:00

A New Resolution (To Remain Secret)

2008-04-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a strange weekend. I think overall, it was a happy one. But I'm not quite sure. I've been having strange dreams about losing things that are important to me, and I've had other dreams about natural disasters. I'd rather not reveal too much, but someone from my past resurfaced for a few hours, and seeing him brought up some memories that make me uncomfortable. I don't know how he fits

Ephemeroptera

2008-03-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

Are we not men? Well, I'm no man, not by a long shot. * * * Life is short. Take it from the mayfly, whose lifespan lasts from 30 minutes to one day. Not very long, is it? And where are you? Me, I'm more than halfway done, and there's something I learned from my grandma: since we don't have forever and ever, let's focus on the stuff we like doing and the people we want in our lives. The years

Lost Weekend, Found Weekend

2008-03-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

New haircut! New haircut! That's how I started my weekend, a fresh start, new hair. I was sorely tempted to chop it all off, but I decided to not be so drastic.Hair in my eyes. Something to hide behind. * * *Easter. Saint Patrick's. Two holidays that came and went, and I barely noticed. It's sad not to have a family to celebrate with, but I guess it's less sad than it used to be. I went to a

Revelation

2008-03-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

You know what? Sometimes it's not me. Sometimes it's them. Really!Wow.(To reiterate: sometimes. Which, for me, is often enough to be revelatory.)

Okay, So

2008-03-16T19:37:00.000-07:00

you want to feel better? Get in shape! That's what I'm doing. I don't feel miraculously and instantly wonderful, but I like being so busy wheezing & sweating that I don't have as much room in my head to feel sad. My arms are soooo weak, but just now, I burned 300 calories. Tonight I have stuff to do for work, and it's cramping my weekend style, but that's what work looks like for everyone these

Beth Lisick

2008-03-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw Beth Lisick, who wrote a very funny new book called Helping Me Help Myself. It's an account of how, over a one-year period, she read and followed the advice of one self-help book per month. What a great idea!Beth LisickHad a blast, got my book signed ("To my best friend, my inspiration, my secret lover."), and afterwards I went out with my friend T to this bar called the

Bhi Bhiman

2008-03-13T21:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight, Cafe du Nord, yes!!! The Equal In My Tea. Man, I'm so lucky to live just steps away from great music, great shows. Aaaah. More later. I want to tell you about dancing. But it's time for bed.

Happy Birthday,

2008-03-12T20:44:00.000-07:00

Edward Albee!Just watched Margot at the Wedding. Loved it, loved it, loved it. In real life, I hate not knowing for sure what I think, feel, and want. But I guess life will continue to be this ongoing struggle with the truth. I guess the stupid future is always uncertain. And secretly, that's what I live for. If I knew what was coming next, I'd have nothing to write about. Because sure, we get

Full Disclosure

2008-03-05T19:10:00.000-08:00

Lately I've had a couple of conversations about what should be public and what should be private, what we choose to disclose and what we choose not to disclose. Which is funny to write about here, in this forum, because here I used to feel so safe and private. But over time, my audience has expanded. For instance, I have a feeling my family checks in occasionally, though I'm not certain they do.

Today, anyway,

2008-02-27T19:20:00.000-08:00

this blog is a forum for me to plonk down some text, I guess, but really, it's just a place for me to say hi to you in the comments section. That's really the best part, anyway. Who cares what's up here, yeah?I'm trying to do some writing and I found some 37 cent stamps in an old box and they reminded me of something. So here. Don't worry, I'll revise. This is what it is, and it's just a bit of

Kisses To Everyone On Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T21:07:00.000-08:00

Artist: Oldham WillSong: I Send My Love to YouAlbum: Days in the WakeI send my love to you.I send my hands to you.I send my clothes to you.I send my nose to you.I send my trees to you.I send my pleas to you.Won't you send some back to me?* * * * * * * * *Have a good one, okay?

Happiness is a Warm Puppy

2008-02-08T22:26:00.000-08:00

Matty's adorable little Bagel is getting her tubez tied, and so could everyone please assure him that Bagel won't hardly notice a thing? She might be sleepy for a day or two, but Matty, little dogs pull through this one with amazing grace. You just have to sit back a bit and let her rest. I promise, she'll be happy you did it. She'll be right as rain. Now. I just spent a fortune at Amoeba, in

The Moon Is Wizened And It Is Old As A Toad In A Chinese Story

2008-02-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

I did it, and so it is done. What a lovely night, this night. I skipped yoga, and everyone was out walking around, and tonight every single person I met was friendly, and I talked to a number of cool strangers, and I still haven't turned on my radio! I'm off to stir some fry and to listen to NPR. Here's something beautiful:Nighty night, m'dears.

I Want So Badly to be Good at my Job,

2008-01-31T20:52:00.000-08:00

so I've got to make a few changes, right now! 1. I need to be more patient. Machines sometimes slow down or malfunction. I need to understand that most tasks will take much longer than I want them to, because rarely does life run smoothly. I can only do what there's time to do, and getting mad at myself won't make me more efficient, it'll just make things unpleasant for me and for others.2. I

Friday, Saturday, Sunday

2008-01-27T21:46:00.001-08:00

Oh, man, is it already bedtime on Sunday night? Well, I've paid my bills, and I can stay in my beautiful, tiny SF apartment for one more year, and I'm on the verge of being wireless again, and I like someone who's cute and nice, and he likes me, too, and. . .FRIDAYI stayed up until all hours eating, listening to music, and talking to a someone who enjoyed Fishing With John. No new birds to report

I Just Had A Great Weekend

2008-01-22T17:43:00.000-08:00

for a variety of reasons. My apartment looks clean (and you know how I feel about cleanliness!); I got to spend some quality time with Matty; Ginab sent me something beautiful, fun, and quirky; and I finally got to meet someone I've been hoping to meet. On Sunday I went for a ride in a rowboat, something I haven't done in years. Today, I feel pretty.I'll tell you more later. I'm off to yoga with

Jandek on Corwood

2008-01-14T19:16:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago, after a nerve-wracking date, I met Alan at the Swedish-American Hall to see Jandek. If you're not familiar, Jandek is the sole band on the Corwood Industries label, which is owned by the man who sings and plays guitar (among other things) in Jandek. If you write to his p.o. box and ask for a discograhy, you'll receive a typewritten sheet with a list of his albums (I think

Tibet

2008-01-07T18:54:00.000-08:00

Oh me, oh dear, dear me. . .I've been soooo sick, and I'm tired of being sick! I spent the entire weekend in bed, watching Twin Peaks. I thought I was out of the woods but today at work when I tried to eat my lunch, I just couldn't. So I drove home, where I lost it. Now, I feel like I'm never going to be able to eat again. And I'm freezing! And ready to go to the gym! And I'm full of aspirations!

Sometimes Selfish

2007-12-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

Yeesh, I'm sorry it took me so long to say hi and to answer everyone. This holiday I've had to be a little neglectful in favor of pressing and personal stuff that's got my head a-spinning. I sure hope you all understand that I'm doing my best, and that it's no reflection on my feelings for you. I wish it was a comfort to know that part of me feels horribly guilty (though another part thinks her

Oh Christ, It's Christmas!

2007-12-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Matty has "tagg'd" me, so in his honor, here are the answers to all of his Christmas questions. This time, though, I will only tag one person back: Sir William Shakespeare, an obscure writer and ardent fan of Tom Clancy. When people say "Christmas," you immediately think. . .I don't think of any one thing in particular. Maybe I remember these big old bug-eye lights in the fog and

Sausagefest on Haight Street

2007-12-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

This weekend was tough to beat, and though it went by much too fast (as usual), I think I came out the other end with a new perspective on a number of things, and I finally watched The Eyes of Laura Mars. This film is awfully disconcerting, mainly because the actors are so good, yet the script is so UNBELIEVABLY bad. In it, Laura Mars (Faye Dunaway) is an eccentric high-fashion photographer who

Why I'll Never Be a Great Leader Who Makes Famous Speeches

2007-12-06T23:59:00.001-08:00

What I mean and won't ever say is that I want to feel — or rather, know — that in the minds of the people I choose to include (i.e. when I carve out some time and share it), I am to them as they are to themselves, at least to some degree. I'd like others to value me as they value themselves, as evidenced in their words and their actions, because that's where knowing begins. And once the way they

The Oh Sees

2007-11-25T14:20:00.000-08:00

This is my new favorite band.I've been taking it easy, because I guess I really needed a block of time to myself, to be all alone, doing nothing. Work takes a toll. I'm having the hardest time getting up and getting going! The weekend is pretty much over, and I never want it to end. If you call me tonight, I won't pick up the phone. There's still laundry and groceries and dishes and bills.But

Washing, Drying

2007-10-29T00:08:00.000-07:00

Warning: this video makes some noise, so if you're at work, you might want to wait until it's safe. Anyway, I didn't get much done this weekend, which was nice. I have a work meeting tomorrow, for which I didn't prepare, but my dishes and laundry are clean, and look, I installed a bike hook (which was the perfect excuse to go for a little ride). Now do your dishes!

I Wish I Could Have A Dog. . .

2007-10-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

Because, look!

Oh, Good News, For Good

2007-10-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

My friend and ex-coworker is moving down the street, just four blocks away, and while that might mean some late nights and dead mornings, I'm just thrilled. Because people who live in San Francisco don't tend to stay in San Francisco. This city is tough on the bank account, and lately, there's been a mass exodus to Oakland. I find Oakland a bit distant. Though I do need plenty of alone-time,